I take my husband with me to feed the dogs. They chew on his bones for hours.
Rachel couldn’t stand the sound of her husband’s snoring every night, and even worse the questions he asked each time she would tell him about it; “Does it sound like this?” he would ask. Months later they adopted a dog, Morty, and Morty snored eactly like Rachel’s husband – “There you go, it sounds just like that!”
They pinned her newly earned pilot’s wings to the front of her uniform on the left side of her chest while she stood at attention, her head held high, proud and dignified.
The composed audience burst into laughter when her smiling husband hugged her in congratulations and whispered into her ear, not knowing the microphone was close enough to hear his teasing, saying to her, “Does the other one fly too?”
The Dog That Speaks English
Phoebe – a small dog who wasn’t known for her jumping abilities – wasn’t allowed on the furniture but after begging every night, her female owner finally said, “OK, Phoebe, if you can make it onto the bed by yourself, then I’ll let you stay up here.” Moments later Phoebe used all her might and jumped on the bed; her female owner turned to her husband and said, “See, I told you she speaks English.”
Angela was consumed with fear each time her husband left the house thanks to the increase in crime in her neighborhood so she secretly bought a gun to protect herself. One morning the security alarm went off so Angela ran down the stairs and shot the shadowy figure that was trespassing; Angela turned on the light only to find her husband lying in a pool of blood holding a bouquet of roses.
Her hands trembling and her heart filled with utter joy and happiness, like a giggling schoolgirl, she gazed lovingly at the man who this day would become her husband until death do them part.
Their wheelchairs were placed side by side in the room filled with family, friends and nursing home attendants, all smiling and tearful, while a seemingly group thought gripped them all: The body may grow old but the heart is forever young.
The stranger beside her
Waiting in line at Burger King, hungry for food and hungry for her husband Steve, she daydreamed about how she would ravish him when they got home, while leaning into him with her head resting on his back but wondering why she could not smell his familiar scent.
Her eyes, suddenly caught by the handsome man who was now turned around and smiling questioningly at her, from 10 feet away, opened in wide surprise and embarrassment when she realized her mistake – that the smiling stranger was Steve.
I went walking with your soon-to-be-husband because I wanted to know if he was right for you.
Sadly, I discovered you are not right for him.
I caught my husband having sex with the girl that lives down the road,today. The one girl he constantly complained that her boobs and ass were too big, he was repulsed by them and that he didnt understand why men would b attracted to her.
The Ironic Move
She waited 15 years to finally have stability and even begged her husband to get a stable job so she could get out of God forsaken Wales – a beautiful country with hardly any crime. Unfortunately, they wound up moving to Houston – an ugly city with nothing but crime.
My Husband’s Reflection
My husband finished shaving in front of the bathroom mirror, rinsed his face and dried off. As he reached for the light switch by the door across the room, I could see his reflection pressed against the glass, leering…
He scratched the top of his ring finger. His wife wouldn’t like that he had taken it off.
I put on my new clothes to show my husband.
I can tell by his hollow and corpse eyes that he really likes it.
Didn’t ask, won’t tell
I wasn’t lying when I told him I didn’t dance with another man. But he didn’t ask me if I kissed one.
It’s been fun babe, but sorry. Your best friend deserves his wife’s fidelity.
Wife by Day
Tiffany slid off her ring and set it gently on top of the dresser every night just before going to bed. She was a wife by day; dreamer, by night.
A Bath for Bill
In retrospect, I’d say that travelling was quite similar to using a new bath salt: exciting at first because it’s new and different but then you’ve been in too long and your fingers start to prune and get all nasty just like they do for any other bath you’ve ever taken – but I have to admit, Bill’s excitement to see Barcelona and Santorini, Cairo and Istanbul, Tokyo and Singapore, Auckland and Ushuaia and all those other places I’ve already been to not once but thrice, seems to have reignited an excitement in me that I rendered long gone. Although I desperately long to settle down and stay right where I am for once in my life, Bill gave me the gift of feeling young again – that wondrous excitement of youth – so I suppose the least I can do for my husband is pour in the salt and take a bath with him.