Uninhibited by staring faces and oblivious to the infidelity in her voice, Mr. Large beamed a smile that chased both ears. His wife could never really tell if he believed her or was simply preoccupied with the accessibility of beer (probably the latter she supposed quietly, economizing on breath).
You delight and offend me in equal amounts.
Up the delight and I’ll marry you.
I met my husband at the circus and he was not a silly clown or an arrogant lion tamer or even an overly muscled trapeze man.
He owned the arena and I fell for him immediately.
As he adjusted the cumberbund on his tuxedo, he thought of her, how they’d known her all his life, been in love with her for most of it, and what a great wife she was going to be. He straightened his tie, opened the door, and walked down the stairs where his best friend greeted him with, “Ready to go be my best man?”
Jess stands in her bloody, torn nightgown, silently willing her hands to stop trembling, as she carefully aims the rifle. Her hands steady and her focus clears as she reminds herself that just one well-placed shot, fired quickly before he awakens, is all it’ll take to end his reign of abuse and her short-lived marriage.
In the year he turned twenty-four he fell in love with four women.
He married the third.
In therapy, my husband shared that he’s been having the same dream every night for a year, of a beautiful stranger who tells him she loves him, and bakes delicious cupcakes.
I met the real her at the local bakery today and we’re going away together this weekend; he’s going to be so pissed.
If you want to be free, open that box there.
Mwah ha ha fooled you it’s an engagement ring and you touched it!
I went walking with your soon-to-be-husband because I wanted to know if he was right for you.
Sadly, I discovered you are not right for him.
Sadly, she laid the two-carat diamond band on the table in front of him. She kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, ‘I pawned the real one ten years ago, dear, this one is as fake as our marriage was.’
You are half right about what I said.
I did say “until death” but I wasn’t talking about me.
Ok, the truth – I am thinking of someone else when we have sex.
It is you, before we got married and you dropped your happiness somewhere.
Why don’t we just skip this whole getting to know each other stuff and just get married?
Man, no one wants to have fun anymore.
Rachel couldn’t stand the sound of her husband’s snoring every night, and even worse the questions he asked each time she would tell him about it; “Does it sound like this?” he would ask. Months later they adopted a dog, Morty, and Morty snored eactly like Rachel’s husband – “There you go, it sounds just like that!”
The day they had betrothed themselves to one another, Gabe was inebriated, having taken a handful of the little blue pills he had grown to adore more than even his next meal or breath.
So this unfortunate ending, sitting across from the love of his life signing papers issued by her attorney, The Great Neuterer, seemed the fitting finale to the union he had taken for granted for the last time.
Angela was consumed with fear each time her husband left the house thanks to the increase in crime in her neighborhood so she secretly bought a gun to protect herself. One morning the security alarm went off so Angela ran down the stairs and shot the shadowy figure that was trespassing; Angela turned on the light only to find her husband lying in a pool of blood holding a bouquet of roses.
I knew from the beginning I would be wed to my Lord, though I fought my father’s decision bitterly, having privately accepted my lot to rule my family’s lower household. Father longed to raise our name from ashes into greatness, however, so he offered me up to my Lord — a widowed, aging weasel, who had no heir to his name, his stature or his wealth — never guessing such dealings might breed a bitter, vindictive heart in his precious daughter.
Seeing her husband exit the mens room while she still waited online, Madeline turned to the woman behind her and commented, “I know why women live 7 years longer than men.
“It’s comp time for ladies room lines.”
Two things were playing on his mind. The first being that they’d misspelt his name on the wanted poster.