Oh the Irony

In therapy, my husband shared that he’s been having the same dream every night for a year, of a beautiful stranger who tells him she loves him, and bakes delicious cupcakes.

I met the real her at the local bakery today and we’re going away together this weekend; he’s going to be so pissed.

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The Snore

Rachel couldn’t stand the sound of her husband’s snoring every night, and even worse the questions he asked each time she would tell him about it; “Does it sound like this?” he would ask. Months later they adopted a dog, Morty, and Morty snored eactly like Rachel’s husband – “There you go, it sounds just like that!”

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The Ending

The day they had betrothed themselves to one another, Gabe was inebriated, having taken a handful of the little blue pills he had grown to adore more than even his next meal or breath.

So this unfortunate ending, sitting across from the love of his life signing papers issued by her attorney, The Great Neuterer, seemed the fitting finale to the union he had taken for granted for the last time.

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The Intruder

Angela was consumed with fear each time her husband left the house thanks to the increase in crime in her neighborhood so she secretly bought a gun to protect herself. One morning the security alarm went off so Angela ran down the stairs and shot the shadowy figure that was trespassing; Angela turned on the light only to find her husband lying in a pool of blood holding a bouquet of roses.

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A Fire Blazes from the Ashes

I knew from the beginning I would be wed to my Lord, though I fought my father’s decision bitterly, having privately accepted my lot to rule my family’s lower household. Father longed to raise our name from ashes into greatness, however, so he offered me up to my Lord — a widowed, aging weasel, who had no heir to his name, his stature or his wealth — never guessing such dealings might breed a bitter, vindictive heart in his precious daughter.

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Years and years and years

Uninhibited by staring faces and oblivious to the infidelity in her voice, Mr. Large beamed a smile that chased both ears. His wife could never really tell if he believed her or was simply preoccupied with the accessibility of beer (probably the latter she supposed quietly, economizing on breath).

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Winner Takes All

As he adjusted the cumberbund on his tuxedo, he thought of her, how they’d known her all his life, been in love with her for most of it, and what a great wife she was going to be. He straightened his tie, opened the door, and walked down the stairs where his best friend greeted him with, “Ready to go be my best man?”

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The Honeymoon is Officially Over

Jess stands in her bloody, torn nightgown, silently willing her hands to stop trembling, as she carefully aims the rifle. Her hands steady and her focus clears as she reminds herself that just one well-placed shot, fired quickly before he awakens, is all it’ll take to end his reign of abuse and her short-lived marriage.

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