Golden retriever my ass.
Where is my pirate treasure, dog?
Category: Two Sentence Stories
Palm reader
Shake my hand.
Now turn it over and read your future.
Date
Later I realised I could have read out fortune cookies and you still would have thought we were having a conversation.
Looking forward to the next date!
Expiry
As soon as I paid for the six-pack of doomsday devices I knew I had made a big mistake.
I used like … three and then the rest just sat in the cupboard until I tossed them out, months past their expiry dates.
Plans
Stroke your fingers over the crackling plans and marvel at their hubris.
They shall build the most evil house ever!
Saturn
You were not my Sun or my Earth.
You weren’t even my Saturn.
Work
At work I always tell the truth.
I’ve been fired like three times.
Knees
She used to get down on her knees a lot.
Not for praying.
Phone
That super-duper awesome new phone you have?
It’s still only going to ring as much as the old one.
Wife
My wife is made of folded paper.
I love her creases.
Cake
Let us bake a cake.
A cake of doooooooommmmmm!
View
What if aliens turn up and see that almost everything on this planet kills and consumes other things to survive?
What if they look at us with the same disgust we view cannibals?
Meaning
After three hours of meditating I divined a glimpse of deep and profound meaning.
I was kinda hungry a little too, not starving, but I coulda definitely had a snack of some kind.
Charmour
Before heading out to pick up girls I put on my charmour.
It’s so … shiny and big … they love it.
Wish
I went to the well and wished for true love.
Then I saw a guy in this awesome rocket-powered time machine with mega lasers and I think I wasted my wish.
Hat
I dropped a hat as I made a quick decision.
Later I would say I made it ‘at the drop of a hat’.
Ballerina
The ballerina leapt.
She still couldn’t reach the sky.
Wife
My wife thought she knew me.
So funny what people think.
iPod
The kids you raise may one day choose your nursing home.
That is why I deserve an iPod for my birthday.
Invitation
Tia tried out many invitations to boys over the years.
The most successful: come conquer me.