May I be excused?
I’ve got to go fuck up my life with no direction for the next thirty years.
Category: Two Sentence Stories
Clarity
The amazing clarity hit when I was sitting on the train halfway to work.
I ignored it and went to work anyway.
Bell
I have a tiny bell.
I keep it in the freezer next to my peas.
Advice
We slept together twice, in case you’ve forgotten.
Maybe you should stop asking my advice on your next doomed relationship.
Struggling
I’ve been struggling with the idea of utterly destroying your career.
I’m wondering if I’ll be able to live with myself (I think so).
Tears
When I read your book, it brought me to tears.
Not in a good way, you understand.
Bite
Through various games I’ve managed to get all my girlfriends to bite me.
I’m plotting right now how to get your teeth in my arm.
Responsibility
Man, when you took me down from that shelf I thought you understood the responsibility you were assuming.
You’re going out and leaving me alone again?
Aren’t alone
All the dead pets of the world frolic in the afterlife with all the dead children.
It makes me happy to know my brother and Blackie aren’t alone.
Cog
Each of us are cogs.
No matter how big or small, the machine stops if we don’t work together.
Dream
Do you dream of me?
I dream of you.
Pants
That deep and meaningful conversation we had was just a ploy to get in your pants.
For a hot night with you I’d even talk like, pro sports or something.
Space dog
Until the end of time I’ll look after you.
My time diamond space dog.
Secret poetry
Her secret poetry journal was locked in her secret poetry box deep under the floorboards of her secret poetry house.
She died and we searched but all we found was a field with odd patterns of grass.
Clarity
As we adjusted the painting, her shouting directions and me vainly trying to follow them, I had a sudden blinding flash of clarity about our entire relationship.
I think she only went out with me because sometimes from the side I look a little like Steve Martin and she really loves all his movies.
Losers
Losers breed because women have low standards.
C’mon girls – fuck higher up the social hierarchy and breed those motherfuckers out!
Weekend
We played real life hangman.
Whaddiyou do?
Every time
Every time I see some documentary where scientists take ice-core samples, I dream about melting down that ancient ice and drinking it.
Every time I see some documentary about genetics I dream about the day I can finally chomp down on a Stegosaurus steak.
Radio
The radio plays some cool hip tunes.
Then, it plays outside.
Future girl
Somewhere out there is a girl who will one day ask me to fuck her.
I wonder what she is doing right now?