It was a dead sheep covered in rose petals and surrounded in empty soup cans.
Modern art, she scoffed.
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Fat
I’d love to be with you!
(You’re not going to get fat are you?)
Silver
Don’t be afraid to call if you need anything.
A silver stake for example.
Negotiations
Now that I’ve declared my love for you I can expect protracted negotiations, give and take, threats, bribes, and then, perhaps, a signing of some type of accord.
Or … you could just say you love me too?
Mythical
Pixies, fairies and the clitoris.
All mythical I tell you!
Jealous
She stepped over her fear and gave me some of her short stories to read.
They were really good but all I said was “did you used to be sad a lot?” because I was so jealous.
Gird
The old guy on the bus said I should “gird my loins for the coming apocalypse”.
Gird means touch, right?
School
Is school a sanding machine that smoothes us all off?
Or is it a hacking machine that cuts off vital parts?
Drink
The cup of Christ, gold shavings, wine brewed by Da Vinci, telepathic strawberries, Martian sugar, stirred and shaken and then placed on the body of a freshly killed Dodo (there’s still a few left).
The most expensive drink ever made.
Kissed
So I should have kissed you.
This has only happened a billion times.
Strange World
Welcome to the Strange World.
Take your football helmet of hamsters and step this way please.
Fashion
What made you change?
I think the gumboots look fine with the tutu.
Time travel
The very instant I finished my time-travel machine a whole bunch of me from various times in the future turned up and started having a big argument over who got to tell me what.
In the confusion I stole most of their wallets and snuck off to the future.
Confession
Before we were married I once tied her up, blindfolded her and fucked her hard.
More confessions I’ll never tell my wife.
Dark
There are two kinds of dark.
Yours, and mine.
Rhyme
Things that rhyme are stupid.
Like you, for example.
Carved buttons
He didn’t like the Mona Lisa.
He wanted to be remembered for his carved buttons.
Harder
When I agreed to do it I thought he had said “lawnmowing”.
He actually said lawnmoving, which is way way harder.
Tolerance
My tolerance for it increased so rapidly that it actually scared me.
In the end I was buying, like, three Faberge eggs a day.
In love
The great thing about being in love is that you don’t have a lot of conversations about being in love.
That you wanted to talk about it the other night gives me pause.