I loved you, but then you broke my heart. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you for that.
If there is one thing I wish I could go back and change about my life, it would be that one August afternoon when she said, “Just give me five minutes, honey, and I’ll be fine.” I should have listened to my instincts and drove her to the hospital immediately, instead of agreeing to her request.
My ex-boyfriend used to take the concept of freedom way too literally. He always felt quite free to act dumb.
With the one parachute left we had agreed to decide our fate upon the flip of the coin. When I flipped the coin and won, I was startled to find that the co-pilot and the parachute were gone.
Did you know that Albert Einstein secretly built a time machine so that he could travel to our future and secretly study physics in my physics class? I felt shame when I found out, because I had graded him an F.
Good news: he got a job for life. Bad news: he’s the live-in janitor at a dynamite factory.
my teacher asked me to think of 25 ways to use a yardstick. so then, i jumped out of my feet, grabbed a yardstick, went back in time, killed jesus, started my own religion, called yardstiKyians, which then was the only religion, and then i became god, known as yardstick.
I turn to face the zombies who have cornered me in the alleyway, cutting off my escape. I start to scream when they begin to consume me alive.
You were always with me wherever I went. Then, my friends complained about the fetid odor of your corpse and I had to leave you home.
The success of catch-and-release inspired a similar policy for non-piscine game: shoot-and-release. This was notably less successful.
Benny hunted ghouls in the Shriners’ cemetery, doubting they existed. When a Fez tassel slapped his face and a corpse gnawed on his skull he believed, briefly.
I’ve spent my last money to buy this wallet, just to take your photograph everywhere I go. God, I’m in love with you again.
I once met a man who had never ventured out of his home state, let alone country. He didn’t understand the world from where I came, but neither did I understand the world by which he lived.
I’m free; what have I done?
This dichotomous thought occurred to the knife-wielding man as he stood over his newly murdered wife’s corpse, wondering what he should do next.
He couldn’t get over the feeling of deja vu as he activated the time machine. He couldn’t get over the feeling of deja vu as he activated the time machine.
The new Unified World Congress passed a new law to ban breathing, under the auspices that it was harming the environment.
Their next move is to censure the sun for contributing to global warming.
The crowd all at once gasped in shock as little chubby-cheeked Blue-eyes suddenly ran past the bride and groom and flung the ring into the lake, pillow and all. “Nice work, chubby-cheeks,” I muttered to the tree I was peering around the edge of, watching intently as the wedding reception turned to chaos, not once taking my eyes off the beautiful bride as I flipped open my wallet and took out the promised ten dollar reward.
Eight-year-old Amanda isn’t writing a letter to Santa Claus this year — she already has what she wants. She smears a message on the wall of her room, with unsteady hands covered in blood and mutters, “Daddy won’t ever touch me again.”
Lifting up, up, up off of the crinkly papered bed, she floated aboard the majestic, wooden air ship, where she slow-danced with Prince Charming’s handsome son, wearing a flowing ball gown that sparkled like diamonds in the melting lip-gloss gold sunset that the circus animal crew – elephants and zebras wearing colorful hats and silly shirts – was working to sail into, paddling their oars rhythmically against tufts of cumulonimbus clouds as if silently marking the beat of her dance. This was her favorite place to go whenever Mommy and the doctor started talking about her cancer.
He lied, she lied, he cried, she died. Years later, in a dusty attic box, he found, a post it note she had written; he cried again.