Before And After

Before zombies ambushed Santa Claus and ate his brains, he lived in Tahiti, wore a grass skirt, was clean shaven, employed only human union members in his toy factories, used horses to pull a gift-filled buggy, and delivered presents by entering children’s homes through front doors.

After receiving a new brain in a botched operation, he moved to the North Pole, wore only red suits, grew a beard, employed only non-union elves in his factories, used reindeer to pull a gift-fill sleigh, and delivered presents by entering children’s homes through filthy chimneys.

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Business Is Business

As the huge pot began to boil, Harry hollered, “I have herpes, syphilis, leprosy, so I’ll taste lousy, not to mention cannibalism causes madness and tribal extinction.”

His non-English speaking captors were entrepreneurs, not cannibals, so they sold the 30 gallons of chunky soup, 150 patties, 28 pounds of jerky and 500 sausages they derived from Harry’s carcass to tribes that were.

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With the grim prognosis delivered in the sterile environment of the doctor’s office, James scooted his chair closer to Sarah’s, patting her hand, realizing she was at a juncture in her life for mending fences with her estranged sibling, even though he knew reconciliation would be difficult after so many years of hurt feelings stemming from a long ago forgotten slight.

“Absolutely not,” was Sarah’s initial reaction to the suggestion followed by, “I’m not in the mood to listen to helpful hints from the healthy,” leaving James to understand any bringing of the two together would be solely up to him.

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