I loved you, but then you broke my heart. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you for that.
Lost Forever
If there is one thing I wish I could go back and change about my life, it would be that one August afternoon when she said, “Just give me five minutes, honey, and I’ll be fine.” I should have listened to my instincts and drove her to the hospital immediately, instead of agreeing to her request.
Lack of Evidence
She was distraught when Jamie broke up with her. She didn’t actually love him, but she had been hoping this relationship would prove she had been right in leaving Harry.
Making Do
She loved all the houses she saw and read about in Dwell Magazine but she couldn’t afford anything remotely like them. So she rented a simple apartment, bought a $200 Eames-inspired coat rack, and called it a day.
Freedumb
My ex-boyfriend used to take the concept of freedom way too literally. He always felt quite free to act dumb.
Flip of Fate
With the one parachute left we had agreed to decide our fate upon the flip of the coin. When I flipped the coin and won, I was startled to find that the co-pilot and the parachute were gone.
Einsteins Future
Did you know that Albert Einstein secretly built a time machine so that he could travel to our future and secretly study physics in my physics class? I felt shame when I found out, because I had graded him an F.
In This Economy, a Job Seeker Mustn’t Be Too Choosy
Good news: he got a job for life. Bad news: he’s the live-in janitor at a dynamite factory.
another way to use a yardstick
my teacher asked me to think of 25 ways to use a yardstick. so then, i jumped out of my feet, grabbed a yardstick, went back in time, killed jesus, started my own religion, called yardstiKyians, which then was the only religion, and then i became god, known as yardstick.
End of the Line
I turn to face the zombies who have cornered me in the alleyway, cutting off my escape. I start to scream when they begin to consume me alive.
Formerly Inseparable
You were always with me wherever I went. Then, my friends complained about the fetid odor of your corpse and I had to leave you home.
Air, the Nonlethal Weapon
The success of catch-and-release inspired a similar policy for non-piscine game: shoot-and-release. This was notably less successful.
The Other Side of the Coin
He should not have been surprised that the woman who once adored him now wished him all manner of evil. The kind of passion that expresses itself as love can just as easily express itself as hate.
Bad Practice
Her self-esteem was too fragile to continue going to therapy. There’s nothing worse than feeling judged by you psychologist.
Seeking Proof
Benny hunted ghouls in the Shriners’ cemetery, doubting they existed. When a Fez tassel slapped his face and a corpse gnawed on his skull he believed, briefly.
The Wallet
I’ve spent my last money to buy this wallet, just to take your photograph everywhere I go. God, I’m in love with you again.
Equally Perplexed
I once met a man who had never ventured out of his home state, let alone country. He didn’t understand the world from where I came, but neither did I understand the world by which he lived.
Impromptu Divorce
I’m free; what have I done?
This dichotomous thought occurred to the knife-wielding man as he stood over his newly murdered wife’s corpse, wondering what he should do next.
Time Travel
He couldn’t get over the feeling of deja vu as he activated the time machine. He couldn’t get over the feeling of deja vu as he activated the time machine.
Government Can Solve Anything
The new Unified World Congress passed a new law to ban breathing, under the auspices that it was harming the environment.
Their next move is to censure the sun for contributing to global warming.