The cup of Christ, gold shavings, wine brewed by Da Vinci, telepathic strawberries, Martian sugar, stirred and shaken and then placed on the body of a freshly killed Dodo (there’s still a few left).
The most expensive drink ever made.
Scent of a Man
She checks the answering machine as soon as she enters the house, something she’s done for more years than she can remember, hoping against hope that he will finally call, and she can be happy again.
Trying to absorb his scent from his clothes, she sniffs and sniffs until her nose feels raw, and then the crushing reality once again slams her upside her head, and crushes her heart: Her son is dead.
Zombie flash-mob devastated by surprisingly well-prepared mental patients.
Tragedy marred an otherwise peaceful and routine zombie flash-mob in Vancouver, BC, when a troop of heavily armed schizophrenics laid waste to the costumed celebrators with guns, torches, and clubs.
Said police, this is what comes of crying wolf.
Dear Fish Feeder
The fish by the door had a little drama today and spent some time on the carpet. So if he ends up a floater it’s probably not your fault.
Kissed
So I should have kissed you.
This has only happened a billion times.
Strange World
Welcome to the Strange World.
Take your football helmet of hamsters and step this way please.
Fashion
What made you change?
I think the gumboots look fine with the tutu.
Time travel
The very instant I finished my time-travel machine a whole bunch of me from various times in the future turned up and started having a big argument over who got to tell me what.
In the confusion I stole most of their wallets and snuck off to the future.
Confession
Before we were married I once tied her up, blindfolded her and fucked her hard.
More confessions I’ll never tell my wife.
Dark
There are two kinds of dark.
Yours, and mine.
SORRY
“You can’t say I didn’t try to make you happy.”
“No, Charles, it isn’t what you’ve done, but what you failed to do.”
Rhyme
Things that rhyme are stupid.
Like you, for example.
Disgruntled
She turns to me and let’s loose a few offensive words, her lip curling in an angry snarl. Who peed in your Low Fat Skim Milk Strawberry Banana Yogurt?
Carved buttons
He didn’t like the Mona Lisa.
He wanted to be remembered for his carved buttons.
Harder
When I agreed to do it I thought he had said “lawnmowing”.
He actually said lawnmoving, which is way way harder.
Bullies
Holly called back at them: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!” The children dispersed and returned with that which would break her.
Love In The Time Of Recession
Alfredo hurried home earlier than usual, to report to his wife about his situation at work, and how he was laid off along with fifteen hundred others.
Panting for air in between sobbing and breathing, he opened the master bedroom, only to find his spouse naked in bed with another man.
Tolerance
My tolerance for it increased so rapidly that it actually scared me.
In the end I was buying, like, three Faberge eggs a day.
In love
The great thing about being in love is that you don’t have a lot of conversations about being in love.
That you wanted to talk about it the other night gives me pause.
Question
Check out this bit of paper.
The answer to a question no one asked.