I was young and healthy until I enrolled in a medicine course at the local university. Suddenly all kinds of symptoms gave rise to great worries about my health.
My Wife’s Habit
My wife had a terrible habit of digging her nails into my back whilst she sleeps. One night it got so painful I had to awaken her, only problem is that she was already awake.
The Trade
I finally confided my 7-year old love for him adding that he must be my soulmate. Exasperated, he said that’s impossible since he’s sold his to the Devil 5 years ago.
A Daughter’s Nightmare
While asleep in the middle of the night, I was awaken by something touching my breasts. I slowly opened my eyes to find out it was my very sober father’s hand.
Unrequited Love
I have to admit I’ve already fallen for him hard. But it’s harder to expect my feelings to be reciprocated when he exists only in the pages of a book.
At 12 midnight, the leader of the Ghost Hunter’s club looked at the next member wanna-be and calmly asked, “Could you tell me how many are in the room right now?” My little sister scanned the place and confidently answered “Six, including my brother here”, while I looked around, counting at least 15 people in the room and realizing my little sister only have two eyes and I now have three.
His Stories Clung To Her
Each night she took the memories of events that should have faded by now. Each night, from her dreams he took them back, and smiled.
I Kept My Promise
It was her heart I betrayed when I promised to come home. Now I see her everyday through ghostly eyes as she visits my grave.
never to go again
This is the clock that stopped at the exact moment my grandfather died. How we’re going to get him out, I don’t know.
never to go again
This is the clock that stopped at the exact moment my grandfather died. How we’re going to get him out, I don’t know.
Lonely & Alone
Being lonely and being alone aren’t the same thing. I just happen to be both.
Just Too Avant-garde
The auteur inserted a line into the Wikipedia synopsis about how his film employed non-traditional storytelling techniques, frustrating some critics. He made sure to include a link for credibility’s sake, then toggled tabs and refreshed the movie review aggregator page three more times.
A Word Worth a Million
Hollywood blockbuster movie beat all time records. The screenwriter was inspired by a guy who put his thoughts in two sentences.
Ex-girlfriends
“How are your ex-girlfriends doing?” ask my friends innocently. “They all committed suicide shortly after they left me.” I answer.
The Step-Father
Evil stepfathers tend to make two related mistakes in their lives: 1. beat and bully you when you are 10 and too young to defend yourself 2. beat and bully you purely out of habit when you are 17. My step-father made both mistakes.
The lollipop-man
I stopped my car in front of the lollipop man helping a long queue of kids crossing the road. Just when I stepped on the gas pedal did I notice that the kids were being ushered into a restaurant called Young Meat.
At 26 years old is it weird that I find nothing more comfortingn than my mother’s touch? You may find it weirder that when died giving birth to me.
Hindsight 20/20
I looked down at the last sentence I had written on the damage report. “In retrospect, breaking up with her while driving wasn’t exactly the best idea.”
Better Off Without Me
I guess I was right about our kids being better off without me. I can still hear them laughing even after I’ve killed them.
Dumb Ways To Die
My mom watches kids in a daycare and there is a 4 year old boy and his little sister who is 3 months old. Today I saw him singing “Dumb Ways To Die” to her, as he shook her back and forth really fast. when I told him to stop he covered her mouth and nose with his hand. I pulled him away from her and he said “she’s MY baby!” …