Kelly was my girlfriend at the time and she tried to shock me one day by showing me that she had shaved her head. I just laughed because I knew I had a far better shock waiting for her in my backyard where I kept the dead bodies of all the people I had murdered.

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Rating: 6.2/10 (56 votes cast)

fantasy football draft day murder part 2

The basement on draft day was a powder keg of long-held resentments and well-placed barbs made painful and stale over time; hatred was everywhere, so thick you could slice it up and eat it straight out of the air. The battle royale started like the most vengeful game of dominoes you’ve ever played: Pat sprayed his bear mace into Evan’s eyes, screaming almost unintelligibly about last year’s Fred Jackson trade, and Evan — even blind — wrapped his chain around Pat’s neck, yanked him to the ground, and pounced atop his rival with all the rage of all the years.

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Rating: 4.0/10 (24 votes cast)

fantasy football draft day murder part 1

The basement was full of killers: Andy with his customized spiked brass knuckles; Victor gripping his trust machete; Evan cradling his whipping chain; Sam gripping a duo of rusty butcher knives; Pat with his bear mace in hand. My God, Denny thought as he descended into the basement, this is the day our fantasy football threats come nightmarishly true.

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Rating: 3.7/10 (26 votes cast)

Never Shave Again

He’d finally had enough of shaving and he was convinced if he got a close enough shave he wouldn’t have to worry about it for a whole week. Over and over again the five bladed razor scraped along his skin; the deranged man never noticed he had reached bone as his whole torso was covered in blood and shredded pieces of his face.

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Rating: 7.3/10 (37 votes cast)

I got your starbucks right here

The girl wearing scandalous exercise clothes gave me no choice, really: I had tapped her shoulder as a friendly reminder that the Starbucks barista was ready to take her order. Exercise Freak bristled, turned toward me, called me all manner of socially unacceptable nicknames, and soon found herself on the floor, having her pretty little face melted off by scalding coffee — Pike’s Peak, to be exact.

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Rating: 5.5/10 (37 votes cast)

First Date

The cave beast slithered out of his lair for a quick drink at Starbucks with the unsuspecting girl. “I should have stayed home and gotten drunk by myself watching Lifetime movies,” she thought as he deftly drained the life out of her with his overdeveloped sense of joylessness, honed over a score of years in his mother’s basement.

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Rating: 5.4/10 (23 votes cast)

The thing in the hall

Alison shut her eyes hard and covered her face with her hands, forcing the image of the thing at the end of the hall out of her brain and silently repeating over and over again that such a thing could not exist. She was certain the apparition would be gone the moment she opened her eyes, but instead she saw with horror that it was now inches from her face.

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Rating: 8.6/10 (43 votes cast)

zombie hangover part 5

The five-day Monopoly marathon was over, there was still nothing to do, undead or otherwise, so I tried to get drunk; obliterated, actually. But when your blood no longer pumps and your stomach and liver and brain can no longer be flooded with vodka, you are doomed to an eternity of crushing sobriety, and that, in the end, is the worst part of being a living dead.

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Rating: 6.3/10 (24 votes cast)

Zombie hangover part 4

Unsure of what to do after the fever passed and we no longer hungered for human flesh and brains and blood, we broke out the Monopoly board. With no use for sleep, with no need to piss or shit, and with no desire for food of any kind, we played and played and played; three days later, I had hotels on the orange properties.

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Rating: 6.0/10 (19 votes cast)

zombie hangover

I refused to believe what I had become, or what I had done, until I found the cracked mirror on the sidewalk among the silenced wreckage once known as Derwood, Maryland. There I was, growling involuntarily, staring back at a gray-skinned fiend with milky green eyes, blood crusted around my cracked lips, and more of the red stuff soaking my formerly pristine white T-shirt.

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Nora stared at the grotesque statue embedded in the rough-hewn facade of the seaside fortress, transfixed by its hideous mouth frozen in a silent scream. As if offended by the tourist’s disgusted gaze, the stony monster who had once been still suddenly jutted out from the weather-beaten wall and with its blackened teeth took a bite of Nora’s face.

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Rating: 5.7/10 (22 votes cast)

The Grisly Terror

The coroner felt suddenly uneasy as she opened the door to leave the room full of freshly dead corpses awaiting autopsy. Turning around slowly, her heart stood still at the sight of all ten cadavers sitting upright on their tables, black body bags still zipped over their mangled, reanimated remains.

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Rating: 7.3/10 (21 votes cast)

(strange) bedfellow

The bed sunk on his side when he threw back the sheets and stumbled toward the bathroom. Time passed, some indeterminable number of minutes in the thick fog of her unencumbered sleep, and the bed sunk again when he got back in bed, breathing hard, smelling sour, and feeling different when her hand brushed the stranger’s.

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Rating: 5.6/10 (16 votes cast)

The Wake

Eight of them perched like grotesque leaves on the gnarled tree by the side of the road, and as Amy approached she began to regret the curiosity that had drawn her into the woods. Cradled in the skeletal roots of the tree lay the thing responsible for the congregation of flesh-eating birds: a bloated and rotting human corpse that was missing its face.

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Rating: 7.0/10 (16 votes cast)