I opened a fortune cookie. It was a piceous cookie.
She complained to me that her pants made her look fat; I told her it’s not the pants’ fault. The police never did find all of me.
The cacophony created by the amateur guitarist’s amplifier reached the ears of Flufn’Stuff – who was daydreaming on the balcony of the third-story building next door – and threatened to throw her into a misanthropic rage. Having witnessed Flufn’Stuff’s last rage Kaylee, her minion, took matters into her own hands and saved the neighbor’s life by covertly micturating on the outdoor fuse box, shutting off their power.
The man screams, “Owww! Damn it, Marty! I told you not to leave your LEGOs lying around!” The old woman turns to the wife and says, “He is in great pain and anger.”
A man says to his wife, “Honey, can you tell the kids to be quiet? I’m trying to read my paper.” The old woman turns to the wife and says, “He has unfinished business.”
In my frustrated urgency I began pounding, trying to bust the lone port-o-potty door open. Amid all the commotion, I heard a deep drawl informatively resound, “Occupado.”
Two cannibals fought. The loser was eliminated.
I hate it when activist writers take cheap shots at their political rivals in their fiction stories.
You just alienated half of your audience, assholes!
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALL BY MY SELF.
REALLY ASK EVERYBODY.
For years my sister wrote letters from “Dr. Vagina” to the city councillors representing every town issue through the viewpoint of the effect on town vaginas.
The day the police arrived was the first time I ever saw my mother laugh so hard she cried.
Two things were playing on his mind. The first being that they’d misspelt his name on the wanted poster.
If I were a cartoon character I would like to be someone from Pokemon.
Because they always look so cool and they seem to have perfect hair, and also because then I’d own my very own Pikachu and get it to zap people I didn’t like!
I only use the word hate when absolutely necessary. Don’t you just really hate the word?
Wasn’t it funny that I used to joke that you’d be first against the wall when the revolution came?
Before they shot you I swear I saw you laughing.
Eric: You know Hawaii looks really good on you.
Emily: You know Herpes looks awful on you.
My wife thought she knew me.
So funny what people think.
A man was interviewing for a job and the interviewer said, “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
“I’m the one you want,” the man replied,”At my last job every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
I watched my neighbor from the window, and while she was taking off her clothes, I was thinking about how beautiful she was.
I then discovered that she was not a woman at all.
I feel sometimes I’m playing the role of my younger self.
He’s funnier, better-looking and way more interesting.