Testing one’s patience

“Ok, class,” the tired and exasperated teacher intoned to the rowdy 8th graders sitting before him, some tossing spitballs at one another, you will now take one of the most critical tests of the year, but before you start, it’s important that you pay attention to the instructions: Take a plain sheet of ruled paper and print your name in the upper right corner, making sure it is legible, because if it isn’t I will trash can it, along with your Mod number, and the date, then begin by writing the question, followed by your answer, all questions and answers to be written with a #2 pencil, no open books, no talking, no getting out of your chair for any reason, no asking me questions, especially silly ones, for any reason,no asking to go to the bathroom or if you can sharpen your pencil or asking if this test counts, just begin the test Now!”

“Yo, Mr. Smith, could you repeat that please?”

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Opposites Attract

Of the seven deadly sins of lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride, you have five, while of the seven Heavenly virtues of chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility, I possess six.

So your lust trumped my chastity, your gluttony overcame my temperance, my kindness supplanted your greed, my patience outlasted your pride and my humility exacerbated your wrath one morning, which is why our relationship is better than most

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We were out in the woods “did you see that?” “did you hear that?” she would ask, I saw nothing, I heard nothing. As we ran deeper into the woods it got darker and darker, I asked “did you hear that?” I was alone, he got her.

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The Wanderer

The big orange cat tiptoed along the top rail of the fence, all the while watching the yapping Chihuahua on the ground below and anticipating reaching the next yard, where the elderly woman waited with a tasty morsel she had saved just for him, after which he continued his outing to the field where he watched robins pulling fat worms from the damp ground and dreamed of robin for supper, then completed his journey back home to his favorite nap spot.

“Tom, you lazy cat,” she said as she arrived home from work, “I’ll bet you have been sleeping there in the sun all day, haven’t you?”

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After seventeen long days of a trial that had been postponed for two long and brutal years, she finally had her chance to ask the defendant one question that has been burned in her brain since the day she found his body.

“Who the hell gave you the right to play God with my father’s life?” she screamed, crying, as she swatted the taste clean out of the murderer’s mouth.

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The Damned, About To Study Why

“All right class, before we turn on our screens and hear about the great pipeline disaster of 2037, I need you to reach under your seats and bring out your particulate masks. Make sure they’re tight, because Weatherman Jim has predicted a level seven fall this afternoon, and we don’t want any of that nasty stuff to get in our little lungs, now do we?”

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Aussie Man, American Woman

He came from the land down under, to an unfamiliar life in the countryside of a new land full of love and understanding which turned to apprehension. Looking in the mirror one day, he said this is not for me so he left that life and just down the road, he met the love of his life and found his salvation in an American woman.

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Now that’s what I call potential

“Just my luck that all the soccer moms are dads nowadays, and they still drive minivans,” he bitched to his son as he parked while wiping the foam halo left on his beard from the paper-wrapped tallboy. Maybe I’ll get lucky he thought to himself as he exited his red Chevy Astro,doing his best to hide his “lucky” boner.

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