It was a dead sheep covered in rose petals and surrounded in empty soup cans.
Modern art, she scoffed.
Fat
I’d love to be with you!
(You’re not going to get fat are you?)
What is Love
Baby, don’t hurt me.
Don’t hurt me, no more.
Silver
Don’t be afraid to call if you need anything.
A silver stake for example.
Negotiations
Now that I’ve declared my love for you I can expect protracted negotiations, give and take, threats, bribes, and then, perhaps, a signing of some type of accord.
Or … you could just say you love me too?
Mythical
Pixies, fairies and the clitoris.
All mythical I tell you!
Jealous
She stepped over her fear and gave me some of her short stories to read.
They were really good but all I said was “did you used to be sad a lot?” because I was so jealous.
Eclipse
There was a power failure the night that my mother died; adding insult to injury. Stumbling around in the dark looking for, matches, a candle, a glimmer of hope of ever feeling happy again seemed appropriate for our state of mind.
Gird
The old guy on the bus said I should “gird my loins for the coming apocalypse”.
Gird means touch, right?
A Father’s love
I knew you long before we met,whispering words of endearment, caressing you to sleep and holding you awkwardly at peace.
Your mother lay exhausted with the sweat of childbirth all around, but my eyes beheld an awesome sight though wrinkled and with a frown.
School
Is school a sanding machine that smoothes us all off?
Or is it a hacking machine that cuts off vital parts?
Drink
The cup of Christ, gold shavings, wine brewed by Da Vinci, telepathic strawberries, Martian sugar, stirred and shaken and then placed on the body of a freshly killed Dodo (there’s still a few left).
The most expensive drink ever made.
Scent of a Man
She checks the answering machine as soon as she enters the house, something she’s done for more years than she can remember, hoping against hope that he will finally call, and she can be happy again.
Trying to absorb his scent from his clothes, she sniffs and sniffs until her nose feels raw, and then the crushing reality once again slams her upside her head, and crushes her heart: Her son is dead.
Zombie flash-mob devastated by surprisingly well-prepared mental patients.
Tragedy marred an otherwise peaceful and routine zombie flash-mob in Vancouver, BC, when a troop of heavily armed schizophrenics laid waste to the costumed celebrators with guns, torches, and clubs.
Said police, this is what comes of crying wolf.
Dear Fish Feeder
The fish by the door had a little drama today and spent some time on the carpet. So if he ends up a floater it’s probably not your fault.
Kissed
So I should have kissed you.
This has only happened a billion times.
Strange World
Welcome to the Strange World.
Take your football helmet of hamsters and step this way please.
Fashion
What made you change?
I think the gumboots look fine with the tutu.
Time travel
The very instant I finished my time-travel machine a whole bunch of me from various times in the future turned up and started having a big argument over who got to tell me what.
In the confusion I stole most of their wallets and snuck off to the future.
Confession
Before we were married I once tied her up, blindfolded her and fucked her hard.
More confessions I’ll never tell my wife.