Big Stories in Two Little Sentences
“I’m going to do this and finally show the world what I am capable of, go against all odds and get that elusive prize I keep reaching for that they keep putting out of my reach,” she said in an incomprehensible grumble as she geared herself for the brave attempt.
Lynn was on the phone ten minutes later exclaiming to her husband Ivan,” Yeah and you know what she went for when she just took her very first steps, not mommy no, the cookies up on the coffee table!”
Garlic, wooden stakes, holy water, crucifix, silver bullets, horseshoes and a blessed bible and I’m off to work!
Corporate mergers and acquisitions mostly.
The one thing we’re all waiting for?
It’d be the bloody miracle, wouldn’t it?
You doubt my buttons ‘o bread?
Way better than your buttons ‘o stupid.
The long 13” scar that curved around her belly button running down her stomach was a painful and constant reminder that she could have no children.
On this wondrous day she carried a beautiful infant daughter out the front door of the beat up old hospital and orphanage, knowing that scar would never be a curse again, but a sign telling her that miracles sometimes come in unexpected ways and that she had been specially marked for this gift she now held in her arms, pressed against her heart.
Fired, fired, fired.
Joy, joy, joy.
Being a writer mainly is about lying well.
Start with yourself, move to your friends and then the world!
Will some clever people one day develop robots so incredibly good at fucking that each of us will abandon sticking it to humans?
Will our last days be spent in a haze of pseudo-flesh, a nil birth-rate and the collapse of the nappy industry?
I haven’t forgotten the look of greedy delight on your face when I told you I was fired and you thought my dreams were over for sure.
(I wanted to be fired and I’m still following my dreams, asshole.)
I went to school with a two-time Brownlow medal winner.
I could win the Nobel prize now and he would still be more famous.
Twice in the same day I saw the t-shirt “Say No to Kryptonite”.
All this instruction is making me want to say yes.
Every single day I come to work and hear you talk about marketing and brands and building the brand I wish for a virus to escape a Russian lab and spread across the world, wiping out all humanity.
I want you to be one of the last people to die so you can really appreciate that building the brand really is NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT!
I have the tears of a snowman at the kiss of your sun, welcoming your fire with a scarf slipping askew.
When you go, I will be the space left behind, warmed but empty.
You know she is the one for me so you’re just going to have to get over it.
I don’t care little dog – she is staying!
Totally uncharacteristically, he made sure to buy snow chains for the big road trip from warm LA to Salt Lake City, what with the forecasts calling for icy conditions and snow, snow, snow.
Since it didn’t snow the entire time, the snow chains sat in the trunk, forgotten, until the car got a flat and he had to move them to get at the spare, which, of course, he had forgotten to keep inflated.
Oh shit she’s unravelling!
Woollen dog comes apart.
I really can’t pinpoint the moment I went from being young and fun to being old and sour.
Sometime after I started my first serious job and somewhere between the third and tenth time I had to sell out everything I believed in is my best guess.
She protected me while I was young, and kept me in one piece, loving me unconditionally, handling every situation with total grace, standing guard around my wife when she knew my son would join the human race.
I found her late one night a mile or so from home, searching for a resting place, protecting me from what she knew would come, surrendering her to the vet’s tender and final care was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I set the ants in my yard various tasks.
I’m trying to get them to evolve but they keep complaining I’m only doing it so I don’t have to hang my own clothes up or mow the lawn.
The cataclysmic retardation my best friend suffered utterly destroyed him and left a fucked up shell.
Now I have to do twice as much and be twice as good because I’m trying to live for both of us.