Who doesn’t want to have pun once in a while? Pun intended.
Either Or
My sister told me that when a cat was purring it either meant they were happy or meant that they wanted me to stop petting them, and this made me both paranoid and annoying to cats.
My sister is a jerk.
He Meant Well
I know my uncle meant well, taking me out for a milkshake to celebrate my sixth birthday.
But he chose that moment to tell me that my father had just died, so I have to wonder – what was he thinking?
Genuine
“I’m naturally ugly — love me for what I am!”
“I want to, really I do, but it would be so much easier if you were naturally beautiful!”
Pet Peeve
I’m sorry, I’m sure you’re a nice guy — it’s just that when you sing to me you make me want to rip a hole in my neck and scream through it and never stop until I run out of breath and lapse into unconciousness.
And if I wake up and find you serenading me, I’ll get really annoyed.
Maturity
I was hungry today, so I cooked a meal.
At last, I am an adult.
My View
Alone, I am the Eagle.
Surrounded, the Snake.
Fascinated
He walked by, tough and rebellious, fierce and independent, like a panther prowling the wild, like the toughest thug in the prison.
And I said “Hold still, I’m gonna read your tattoos!”
Oops/Heavy Metal, If Dropped, Can Be Dangerous To Your Health
And lo, in a burst of passionate headbanging, his head dislocated from his neck and flew off into the crowd.
A fan, thinking the lead singer had thrown it, caught it and treasured it forever.
How Impractical
There’s a dead baby deer in our backyard.
And all we’re thinking about is how to get rid of the flies.
My Generation
Books? Oh yeah, I remember those!
Doubt
Their country was in the throes of civil war when his wife received an irresistible job offer in America, and so he followed her and watched the years unfold on her steadily increasing rank and wealth. In time, their children became successful doctors in New York and LA, and still he couldn’t convince himself that they wouldn’t all have been better off staying in the country of his birth.
Unenlightened Narrative
She hums in quiet desolation, wishing that I would stay.
Or maybe she thinks the song is really catchy, in which case I’m the pathetic one.
Guarding
Every fortification has a foundation. If someone has built a wall, it’s because at one point in time or another, they felt insecure.
Conundrum
One afternoon, she went to the store and unexpectedly bought almost 12 months of memories. They weren’t on sale and definitely can’t be returned.
Humanity
I keep myself positive and centered by seeking the inherent goodness of mankind.
I keep myself in touch with reality by believing in the inherent evil of mankind.
Eternity
I want to be forever young, or at least young until I die. Then I’ll black my eyes blue & take refuge behind the lids of eyes.
Racial Integration
Racial Integration is a bit like mixing shit with ice-cream.
It doesn’t do much to the shit, but it really stuffs up the ice-cream.
Wanted: An Honest Man
I suppose what shocked me was the matter-of-fact way she said, “Why can’t men be who they really are when courting a woman, instead of surprising her with their true selves once married?
I mean really, darling,” she added, setting the teacup down and turning to stare out the window, “It’s getting awfully tiring disposing of the bodies, and I’m simply running out of garden.”
Ex
At the time, it seemed as though they were really having fun together. But in retrospect, she realized she’d only gone out with him for the excuse to wear pretty dresses.