Did you ever here an egg beg?
Ever see a cow bow?
The olds
I refused the news.
Give me the olds, I said.
Bedtime Story
“The end,” he said. And then the sun went out.
Chinese Proverb
“If you seek revenge, dig two graves,” said Confucius. I only dug one, because they’ll never be able to pry my hands from his neck.
End of humanity
Robots with laser-eyes came to the door.
‘Dear, are you expecting the end of humanity today?’ she said.
Answers
I’ve got all the answers.
27, the Earl of Sandwich, Mount Fuji, a maker of hats, check it out yeah.
Eating out
I’ll have the gourmet socks with a side of yarn and a glass of cotton.
Eating out is the best.
Meltdown!
I asked, why is it that this calendar and the one behind it have both been modified so that each month has ten days? “I was raised to go into the fallout shelter after the tenth day…”
Warranty
I’m not going to change my mind.
Besides, I think it’s out of the warranty period.
Lies Aren’t Funny
I hate it when activist writers take cheap shots at their political rivals in their fiction stories.
You just alienated half of your audience, assholes!
Carved buttons
He didn’t like the Mona Lisa.
He wanted to be remembered for his carved buttons.
Botty
I don’t know what is wrong with robot dog.
Perhaps we should stop calling him botty.
Disconnect
Consequently, the 2000 inhabitants stationed in Antarctica assigned with research tasks failed to send an urgent transmission because of the storm’s damage to the main satellite:”(34147) a cold-adapted plant that decays 6hrs after growing in a theoretical millennium has been discovered. Conclusively we found the species in the family negating every virus in existence.”
Obvious
You really don’t need to tell me what you did.
There are no stars so it is pretty obvious.
Dr. Jackass
Tim bit furiously at his nails, teeth marks making way for a bloodied mess beneath. He stopped as the doctor walked in and said, “We’re not just sure, we’re HIV positive.”
True love
People all around the world are really addicted to this “true love” thing, huh?
Maybe some kind of partner exchange program will help them out.
Schizo? Really?
The demon was sticking its tongue at me, taunting and prodding, so I grabbed hold of his neck and strangled until his eyes bulged from his sockets and his tongue lolled, still and silent. Then it was just a baby and I wondered what happened to my meds.
Fire
I get up, lean out of my bedroom window with elbows firm on the sill and fire the gun. I hear the magical, instantaneous ping and rattle of the pellet hitting the can as it falls of the fence; I return to bed and drink my tea satisfied.
Turn of the ankle
In the time it took to inhale I landed, hit the ground and screamed – first in pain and second in the knowledge that the season was over.
The season was over before it had begun, thanks to the unlikely turn of an ankle.
Delight
You delight and offend me in equal amounts.
Up the delight and I’ll marry you.