When I buried your body in the garden I didn’t expect a tree to grow.
It’s a fruit tree that looks really awesome but the fruit is fucking disgusting (in case you’re wondering).
Stories
The younger me wouldn’t believe my stories of real life.
Yes, I really did bonk a girl on the head with her own vibrator once.
Movies
There are so many movies combinations I wish were made.
Hmm … Alien meets Thelma & Louise come to mind first.
Land of the Free
Oh sure, I sent your mother to my own lab for unneeded tests.
Yea, it’s true that what she spent there would have purchased the drugs needed to preserve her life, but as her Doctor and a patriot, I salute her death and deeply honor her, a free woman and a true American.
Today
Today I cut it all off with you.
And to my great shame I felt great for the rest of the day.
Relief
I paced the room for hours wondering how to tell you I didn’t want to be with you anymore.
Then you died in a car accident on the way to my house and I was SO relieved.
Only the Dead have Seen the End of War *
Ecstatically they haul our huge, creaking horse to the very center of their city, while the molten sun stokes the furnace of our wooden, hidden womb and spitting sweat blinds us.
My screeching heart heralds the huge coming of death that will end this, the greatest war the world has ever seen.
* Title from Plato
Dr V
For years my sister wrote letters from “Dr. Vagina” to the city councillors representing every town issue through the viewpoint of the effect on town vaginas.
The day the police arrived was the first time I ever saw my mother laugh so hard she cried.
Good move
My girlfriend said I fuck just like her ex-boyfriend.
Good move, soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend!
Search
Search and seek.
Freak.
Worthy pursuit
After I slept with you my whole life suddenly made sense.
The only worthy pursuit in life is access to vagina!
Spacebar
Once upon a time, a girl was typing on a computer. Half the time she pressed the spacebar it didn’t work.
Answers
There are answers at the bottom of a shot glass actually.
And the more answers you get to, the funnier they are.
Acting
My greatest acting moment was squeezing out tears as I walked away from you.
Next up: acting like I am really broken up about it all.
FD&C red 40
His crew called him Kool Aid Man. When I asked him why he said “ooooooh yeah.”
Bidet
David straddled the bidet directly above the nozzle. Little did he know, a mad scientist had succeeded in transforming city water into acid.
168 Marks on The Ishango Bone
The marks were humble, even gentle in their up and down march on 30,000 year-old fibula …six times ticking off the lunar month.
My inner eye netted her tiny, black hands meticulously aligning the rows so that her menstrual beat merged with the moon’s ballet; and she became the earth’s first mathematician.
Scene
A scene witnessed many times.
A girl I’ve fucked and a girl I’m going to fuck shake hands and I hear “Hi, I’m Mat’s girlfriend.”
Darling
Darling I love everything about you from the top of your precious head to the tip of your perfect toes.
I especially love that muscle clench thing you do with your ass, too.
Lesson Learned
Mom and Dad had always told me to knock on a closed door before going into a room. I thought maybe my closet door didn’t count until the day I opened it and saw the monster I always knew was in there banging a transvestite hooker.