And lo, in a burst of passionate headbanging, his head dislocated from his neck and flew off into the crowd.
A fan, thinking the lead singer had thrown it, caught it and treasured it forever.
How Impractical
There’s a dead baby deer in our backyard.
And all we’re thinking about is how to get rid of the flies.
My Generation
Books? Oh yeah, I remember those!
Doubt
Their country was in the throes of civil war when his wife received an irresistible job offer in America, and so he followed her and watched the years unfold on her steadily increasing rank and wealth. In time, their children became successful doctors in New York and LA, and still he couldn’t convince himself that they wouldn’t all have been better off staying in the country of his birth.
Unenlightened Narrative
She hums in quiet desolation, wishing that I would stay.
Or maybe she thinks the song is really catchy, in which case I’m the pathetic one.
Guarding
Every fortification has a foundation. If someone has built a wall, it’s because at one point in time or another, they felt insecure.
Conundrum
One afternoon, she went to the store and unexpectedly bought almost 12 months of memories. They weren’t on sale and definitely can’t be returned.
Humanity
I keep myself positive and centered by seeking the inherent goodness of mankind.
I keep myself in touch with reality by believing in the inherent evil of mankind.
Eternity
I want to be forever young, or at least young until I die. Then I’ll black my eyes blue & take refuge behind the lids of eyes.
Racial Integration
Racial Integration is a bit like mixing shit with ice-cream.
It doesn’t do much to the shit, but it really stuffs up the ice-cream.
Wanted: An Honest Man
I suppose what shocked me was the matter-of-fact way she said, “Why can’t men be who they really are when courting a woman, instead of surprising her with their true selves once married?
I mean really, darling,” she added, setting the teacup down and turning to stare out the window, “It’s getting awfully tiring disposing of the bodies, and I’m simply running out of garden.”
Ex
At the time, it seemed as though they were really having fun together. But in retrospect, she realized she’d only gone out with him for the excuse to wear pretty dresses.
Spilled Champagne
“What I need you to understand is that all my life I’ve been toasting with an empty glass,” Alexa frantically explained to the only man who had ever showed her love, who, frustrated with Alexa’s unrelenting self-doubt, was now the man about to walk out on her. “Now that you’ve filled my glass to the top I’ve got to learn how to hold it,” she said, but it was too late; once the champagne spills, there’s no way to get it back in.
Hypocrite.
You told me my flip-flops were unattractive and unsanitary and you would leave me if I kept wearing them. But I’m only alone because that scorpion hid in your shoe.
Long Distance Love
Even though he had to accept the company transfer overseas, they were sure their love would grow in spite of the distance.
He wrote twice, she wrote twice, and that was all either could manage to give.
Chaos at the Ballpark
The pitcher threw, the batter swung clumsily, and the bat flew from the player’s inept hands and soared across the crowded stadium at frightening speed.
The spinning rod flew into the stands and the panicked spectators rushed for safety, except for Jim, who looked up from his new video game three seconds too late to see the flying bat moving towards him and at that moment Jim painfully discovered that the new IPad 2 does not make a good shield against fast-moving projectiles.
New
She had always found the botanical gardens incredibly boring. But on her first date with the botanist, he ran around throwing his nose into the best-smelling flowers and guiding her hands over strange-feeling bark; and it was a whole other world.
Grandma Nails It Again
He had overheard his grandmother telling an aunt, “If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.” A moment of staring at his new fiancee led him to the realization: “Oh snap – I’m in love with a whore!”
Abysmal
I asked you what was wrong. You said, “I can’t get drunk enough.”
The Exchange Student
Her friend had traveled a long way to visit but the school refused to allow her to bring any guests to class.
He tagged along anyway, and she introduced him as a foreign exchange student to all of her teachers, while he nodded awkwardly and pieced together broken English which was, in fact, his native tongue.