We were out in the woods “did you see that?” “did you hear that?” she would ask, I saw nothing, I heard nothing. As we ran deeper into the woods it got darker and darker, I asked “did you hear that?” I was alone, he got her.

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Shotgun Wedding

When Haitian Maritime Inspector LeHate found a female zombie hiding aboard my cadaver-filled cargo ship, he said, “Abducting zombies from my country is punishable by hanging, but I’ll overlook this if you pay me $5,000 and marry her right now.”

The moment I said, “I do,” and LeHate ordered me to kiss the bride, she bit my lips off, dragged me to the hold, threw me onto a pile of squishy corpses, dropped her gunk-filled drawers, and cackled, “Honeymoon Time.”

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The mountain lake was calm, mirror-like as she picked up a flat black stone and skipped it across the water causing perfect ripples that reflected wavy treetops in the water. A big black bear snoozing in one of those wavy treetops awoke to see his reflection flipping like he’d lost his horizontal hold and well, it sort of flipped him out causing him to lose his actual hold and splash into the lake where he added to the ripples that reflected wavy treetops.

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The Wanderer

The big orange cat tiptoed along the top rail of the fence, all the while watching the yapping Chihuahua on the ground below and anticipating reaching the next yard, where the elderly woman waited with a tasty morsel she had saved just for him, after which he continued his outing to the field where he watched robins pulling fat worms from the damp ground and dreamed of robin for supper, then completed his journey back home to his favorite nap spot.

“Tom, you lazy cat,” she said as she arrived home from work, “I’ll bet you have been sleeping there in the sun all day, haven’t you?”

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Horrible Nightmare

The horrible repetitive nightmare that I was a human being was driving me crazy, so I consulted a psychiatrist who advised, “Before falling asleep, repeat over and over again what you truly are, and the dream will disappear forever.”

When I went to bed that night, I repeated over and over again, ‘I’m a pepperoni pizza…I’m a pepperoni pizza…”

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Angels sing their welcome and a golden shaft of light appears as I stare at my killer standing over my body which is sprawled on the floor, blood spatter against the wall in a grotesque portrait. The light pulses allowing me to choose forgiveness or revenge.

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After seventeen long days of a trial that had been postponed for two long and brutal years, she finally had her chance to ask the defendant one question that has been burned in her brain since the day she found his body.

“Who the hell gave you the right to play God with my father’s life?” she screamed, crying, as she swatted the taste clean out of the murderer’s mouth.

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The Damned, About To Study Why

“All right class, before we turn on our screens and hear about the great pipeline disaster of 2037, I need you to reach under your seats and bring out your particulate masks. Make sure they’re tight, because Weatherman Jim has predicted a level seven fall this afternoon, and we don’t want any of that nasty stuff to get in our little lungs, now do we?”

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A Change of Diet

Delighted whales named altruistic Harry their first President when he answered their pleas for caramel-covered popcorn and dumped 1 billion tons of it into the world’s oceans.

When the popcorn caused every whale on Earth to die from morbid obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart attacks, and stokes, Harry was added to the list of assassinated presidents.

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