old woman

I watched a thin, very old woman with jet black hair and a bright red hooded fleece pushing a rickety baby carriage with a pet rabbit in it. And just for a moment I had a sense of what it must feel like to be Tim Burton.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 7.5/10 (8 votes cast)

To have the untamable curiosity of a cat would offer a life so compelling. All of the humdrum, commonplace things turn entrancing and the daily grind is now intriguing.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 7.0/10 (3 votes cast)

Great Honour

The son of an old wretched woman got jailed yesterday for farting in the public where at the same time the tension danced spirally through my bowels and I felt the disgracing element moving towards my anus. I blew it and laughed, paid a bulky bribe and got honoured (OFR).

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast)

Food Fads of The Undead

Bill called Charlie to warn that rampaging, famished zombies were heading his way, but if he gave them chocolate chip cookies, they’d eat the cookies and not his brains.

When the starving zombies arrived, Charlie offered them dozens of chocolate chip cookies, but they ate his brains anyway saying he’d been terribly misinformed, because their latest food fad was chocolate cream pie.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 7.9/10 (7 votes cast)

Opposites Attract

Of the seven deadly sins of lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride, you have five, while of the seven Heavenly virtues of chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility, I possess six.

So your lust trumped my chastity, your gluttony overcame my temperance, my kindness supplanted your greed, my patience outlasted your pride and my humility exacerbated your wrath one morning, which is why our relationship is better than most

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 7.8/10 (6 votes cast)

A Wonderful New Product

Miss New World Order appeared during a Super Bowl commercial break and announced Jiffy Dog, a space-age miracle product, by which magnificent dogs were created by pouring powder into a bucket, adding tap water, and stirring three times.

Billions of boxes of Jiffy Dog sold instantly, and the world was so enthralled by the product that supplanted real dogs, the Jiffy Corporation quickly introduced two more miracle products: Jiffy Cat and Jiffy Wife.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 4.3/10 (3 votes cast)

Consumed By Love

Orphaned, love-starved Billy discovered that everybody loved pizza, so he figured if he became one he’d finally be loved.

A magic chipmunk turned Billy into a pizza, and gave it to his beautiful sister who tore into it with razor sharp teeth, while proclaiming, “I love pizza more than anything in the world.”

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 4.0/10 (4 votes cast)

Gone

We were out in the woods “did you see that?” “did you hear that?” she would ask, I saw nothing, I heard nothing. As we ran deeper into the woods it got darker and darker, I asked “did you hear that?” I was alone, he got her.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 7.6/10 (91 votes cast)

Shotgun Wedding

When Haitian Maritime Inspector LeHate found a female zombie hiding aboard my cadaver-filled cargo ship, he said, “Abducting zombies from my country is punishable by hanging, but I’ll overlook this if you pay me $5,000 and marry her right now.”

The moment I said, “I do,” and LeHate ordered me to kiss the bride, she bit my lips off, dragged me to the hold, threw me onto a pile of squishy corpses, dropped her gunk-filled drawers, and cackled, “Honeymoon Time.”

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 1.0/10 (3 votes cast)