Category: Two Sentence Stories

There is no such thing as a free ride.
Unless you happen to come upon a stolen dodgem car.

When I asked for your opinion I didn’t actually want it.
I wanted hollow platitudes – how fucking blind are you?

I’m getting Jesus a Tonka truck for his birthday this year.
I’ll keep it until he turns up.

Remember back in the old days when stars were burning balls of fusion, light years away?
Now they’re just commodities and I feel we’re the poorer for that.

The future flops out in front of me like a wrinkled carpet.
Hey look – lions.

If only we could teach teenage boys that the amount of hot pussy they can get is directly proportional to the amount of money they have.
Within a generation we’d have some of the hardest working motherfuckers in the world.

They said he was a “bone-chilling” villain.
I checked his fridge but I didn’t find no bone.

The best thing about my life is that it is like living in a movie.
It’s a western-romantic-time-travel-teen-roadtrip-comedy.

I’m meant to care about money.
I … just … don’t.

The dance is over … it is over.
Do you know you were wrong?

Howard’s Scrotum Balm.
When your scrotum needs rubbin’, think Howard.

She knew if they went to the Eiffel Tower he would just make some crude penis joke.
So she broke up with him and went overseas by herself.

Looking back on the offer, I should have really taken it.
Sure I would have got fucked over by that teacher but I would have got the grades to get into a really good university course.

When there is no way to let off steam, an explosion often results.
That’s why I’m not throwing out the Lego, ok?

I’m going to lie to my kids and tell them there are many worthwhile things in life apart from drinking.
And then I’m going to have another drink, hooray!