You come home to see your wife. You don’t know which is more creepy,seeing your dead wife or knowing that someone broke in to kill her.
Dumping the Pain
I sat, agonizing, wishing I’d made a different choice, and hoping the pain would end soon. After one last, sharp twinge expelled the demon mass from my body, I sighed, flushed, and went to rejoin the party, grabbing a cheese ball on the way.
Revolution
Wasn’t it funny that I used to joke that you’d be first against the wall when the revolution came?
Before they shot you I swear I saw you laughing.
Writer
Another day passed without me writing anything.
I wonder how long this will continue before I stop calling myself a writer.
Married
In the year he turned twenty-four he fell in love with four women.
He married the third.
Exterminator
I called another exterminator to deal with the rats in my basement. This one hasn’t come out either.
Rescue
When my crew and I were rescued from the deserted island, they found me covered in blood and surrounded by the bones of the rest of my crew. Now that I’m off the island, I’ll need a new excuse to keep eating people.
Newborn
My girlfriend and I just got an ultrasound of our first baby. I don’t know what’s creepier, the fact that our baby has cloven hooves, horns, and a tail or the fact that my girlfriend is a virgin.
Noises
Every night I hear strange noises coming from the basement, but my wife says it’s just rats. I know she’s wrong, rats don’t whisper “we’re gonna kill you”.
Brained
Struggling for a muse did I stumble forth into the gibbering maw of the world. I fell into the Grave clutching the baby-blue journal that freed my soul and the brick that both chained It and mashed my head in.
I sat at my computer, wondering if I could create a story with only two sentences. A moment later I realized that I already had.
Help
“You’re about to sleep and put your blanket on, one of your leg is freezing because it’s not covered by the blanket; you’re afraid of monster touches your leg. Then you cover it, and you pull the blanket to your head until it’s covered, under the blanket you sigh, yet it’s already there.”
Help
“You’re about to sleep and put your blanket on, one of your leg is freezing because it’s not covered by the blanket; you’re afraid of monster touches your leg. Then you cover it, and you pull the blanket to your head until it’s covered, under the blanket you sigh, yet it’s already there.”
Help
“You’re about to sleep and put your blanket on, one of your leg is freezing because it’s not covered by the blanket; you’re afraid of monster touches your leg. Then you cover it, and you pull the blanket to your head until it’s covered, under the blanket you sigh, yet it’s already there.”
Help
“You’re about to sleep and put your blanket on, one of your leg is freezing because it’s not covered by the blanket; you’re afraid of monster touches your leg. Then you cover it, and you pull the blanket to your head until it’s covered, under the blanket you sigh, yet it’s already there.”
For Heroes Proved
From beneath the misty shadows of the capitol dome, he rose from his sidewalk bed and brushed his cold fingers across the color-worn medal of valor rusting upon his collar. Soon the masses came, marching past in an encore parade of the every day and he raised his outstretched palm in solitary salute.
Racist much
Oh Taco you silly billy.
Mexican gardeners – you can’t teach em!
Turban
Did you know you can make a turban out of a common household towel?
Fucking terrorist.
The Last Believer
I have wronged every person that I have ever known and she is the only one of them that stood by me. I’m looking into the eyes of my last believer.
Snowman
Last winter, my neighbors built the creepiest snowman I’ve ever seen. It got even creepier when I saw it standing in front of my house, staring through my living room window, in the middle of July.