What made you change?
I think the gumboots look fine with the tutu.
Time travel
The very instant I finished my time-travel machine a whole bunch of me from various times in the future turned up and started having a big argument over who got to tell me what.
In the confusion I stole most of their wallets and snuck off to the future.
Confession
Before we were married I once tied her up, blindfolded her and fucked her hard.
More confessions I’ll never tell my wife.
Dark
There are two kinds of dark.
Yours, and mine.
SORRY
“You can’t say I didn’t try to make you happy.”
“No, Charles, it isn’t what you’ve done, but what you failed to do.”
Rhyme
Things that rhyme are stupid.
Like you, for example.
Disgruntled
She turns to me and let’s loose a few offensive words, her lip curling in an angry snarl. Who peed in your Low Fat Skim Milk Strawberry Banana Yogurt?
Carved buttons
He didn’t like the Mona Lisa.
He wanted to be remembered for his carved buttons.
Harder
When I agreed to do it I thought he had said “lawnmowing”.
He actually said lawnmoving, which is way way harder.
Bullies
Holly called back at them: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!” The children dispersed and returned with that which would break her.
Love In The Time Of Recession
Alfredo hurried home earlier than usual, to report to his wife about his situation at work, and how he was laid off along with fifteen hundred others.
Panting for air in between sobbing and breathing, he opened the master bedroom, only to find his spouse naked in bed with another man.
Tolerance
My tolerance for it increased so rapidly that it actually scared me.
In the end I was buying, like, three Faberge eggs a day.
In love
The great thing about being in love is that you don’t have a lot of conversations about being in love.
That you wanted to talk about it the other night gives me pause.
Finally Proud
She lay in bed, staring in wonder at the cover of her first book in print, and with a sleepy, soft prayer to heaven and tears in her eyes, she said, “I hope you are proud of me now, Mom.”
When her heavy eyelids closed, she was still in that place between being awake and dreaming, and she heard a soft, distant whispering in her ear say, “I always was.”
Question
Check out this bit of paper.
The answer to a question no one asked.
Black hole
Inside a black hole the forces are so extreme that time and space itself comes apart.
Yes I threw your stupid comics in there – you never read them!
False Omnipotence
Hail! To the one who has dominion over the minions.
Maybe
Jay’s facebook post prompted me to visit the website of “two sentences stories” where I found wonderful and entertaining submissions by clever writers.
Alas, I can only read and wonder if I too can manage to cram certain thoughts into a two-sentence written format and, perhaps, win a small prize – probably not.
Satisfying
Knowing that you’ll eventually come crawling back is very satisfying.
Throwing snails over the fence again.
One Queasy Piece
Moving the Stienway across the old oak floor took more time than I’d anticipated as my original hire cancelled due to illness and the replacement was not as experienced. Some men just can’t keep up with women.