“I can relate to your experience with Bipolar Disorder,” He said. “I suffer from lycanthropy.”
Compulsion
An hour passed until she came back from the bathroom.
“Twiggy,” I said, “want a cookie?”
Doctors
Slap; white gloves touching ivory bottoms, and now it’s just breath in and out, in and out. Then it pops out.
Cubicle
Welcome to corporate slavery and meaningless drudgery.
Oh, I mean welcome to your cubicle.
Surrounded
When you’re surrounded by assholes there is only one thing to do!
Lube up baby.
The Racist Pig
“You’re a racist pig,” someone shouted from the crowd.
Oink Johnson wiped the sweat off of his snout and replied, “Hey, I just won the Boston Marathon, didn’t I?”
New particles
Physicists are currently working to discover all kinds of new particles.
I’ve got one for them: fuckingboredatworkidium.
Hypochondria
I don’t understand why people spend their lives hiding from the prospect of death. Somewhere along the way I guess they forgot life was out there too.
Feel for you
I really do feel for you.
Not pain, but what I imagine pain to be like.
Rest of you
I wanted to fight injustice and save the world!
Instead I had to sell out just like the rest of you.
Echo
“I have worth,” he screamed. Came back: naught but a cold wind, and the echo of his loneliness.
Meek
Great, so the world belongs to the meek.
What the fuck am I going to do with my jumbo-mega-destructor laser cannons now?
What a Bother!
The Baroness sighed, washing her hands in the opalescent ivory wash basin. “Now look what you’ve done, gone and made me get my hands all dirty, there’s a naughty pet,” she said, as red streaked on the white.
Invisibility
You want proof invisibility has completely and utterly been achieved?
Think of all the people you know who are wearing invisible leashes.
Tiny
I wish there was a candy that was a tiny explosion of joy.
Nah, I’d probably get addicted.
Get better
All my friends say it will get better.
And I say it’s a soufflé – this is as good as it gets.
Tease
She treated men like cats treated lizards or butterflies they might play with or torture, but never bother to eat. She didn’t date them, but she flirted with boys and men of all ages—even professors whose classes she was already acing—just to see how they would respond.
Locked
I keep two birds locked in a golden cage, atop the kitchen counter in a dusty, musty house. The paint is peeling, the floorboards are gone, blood streaks the walls, and the two birds stare at me from the confines of their golden cage.
I Play For None
So I tells him, “My thighs, they been involved in numerous accidents, so ya better have insurance, hon’.” And the devil goes and grabs my ankles and makes me spread my legs.
Chant
This is my chant.
Be like the ant.