“I’m gonna need you to stay till 4:30 today,” the boss said as he walked out the door at 3:20. The man chuckled, went around the office setting every clock forward one hour and left five minutes later.
Category: Competition
Competition
A Little Grilling
Pat turned the gas on and used one of those long lighters to light it. A huge fireball shot out from the grill enveloping his arm and setting him on fire.
fantasy football draft day murder part 1
The basement was full of killers: Andy with his customized spiked brass knuckles; Victor gripping his trust machete; Evan cradling his whipping chain; Sam gripping a duo of rusty butcher knives; Pat with his bear mace in hand. My God, Denny thought as he descended into the basement, this is the day our fantasy football threats come nightmarishly true.
The Shot to Right Field
He’d been waiting all season for the outfield to fully commit to playing him deep. He saw his opportunity when the outfield took a few extra steps backwards so he adjusted his stance and got a hit towards right field that knocked everyone to the ground like a nuclear explosion and melted their faces off.
how I learned to stop worrying and trust the softball hit
“It needs to be used like a nuclear bomb,” Dirk said of the opposite field home run.
“Yes, because it will melt people’s skin right off their bones when I hit it right,” Kennard replied.
First Prize
Suzanne was proud to discover that she had won the pie-eating contest. She received her trophy, posed for a photo with the Mayor, and then promptly returned home and exploded.
Beneath The Hood
Everyone laughed at the creepy goth girl for keeping her eyes hidden beneath the hood of her black sweatshirt: until she lifted it and looked them strait in the eyes. Now she laughs at their frozen, terrified stone faces.
Skyrim
Today I woke up and felt like I had no purpose, then I had to fight a dragon. In the middle of it, a bear came up from behind me and killed me: I fail at life even in the virtual world.
Olli Warelius
I heard a couple of guys talking about this in the New York subway so I looked it up online and found your page. Thanks. I thought I was right and you confirmed my thoughts. Thanks for the work you’ve put into this. I’d love to save this and share with my friends.
Never Shave Again
He’d finally had enough of shaving and he was convinced if he got a close enough shave he wouldn’t have to worry about it for a whole week. Over and over again the five bladed razor scraped along his skin; the deranged man never noticed he had reached bone as his whole torso was covered in blood and shredded pieces of his face.
I got your starbucks right here
The girl wearing scandalous exercise clothes gave me no choice, really: I had tapped her shoulder as a friendly reminder that the Starbucks barista was ready to take her order. Exercise Freak bristled, turned toward me, called me all manner of socially unacceptable nicknames, and soon found herself on the floor, having her pretty little face melted off by scalding coffee — Pike’s Peak, to be exact.
First Date
The cave beast slithered out of his lair for a quick drink at Starbucks with the unsuspecting girl. “I should have stayed home and gotten drunk by myself watching Lifetime movies,” she thought as he deftly drained the life out of her with his overdeveloped sense of joylessness, honed over a score of years in his mother’s basement.
The Rumba
If she’d seen him on the street she might not have looked at him twice, but when he danced he was the kind of beautiful that made her start thinking in verse, long strings of adjectives and hyperbole leaping out of her fingertips. After a few songs worth of violent inner turmoil, she worked up the courage to ask him to dance a rumba with her, and it was then that she realized the most perfect kind of joy could only be expressed in 4/4 time at 26 measures per minute.
The troll of Twosentenceland
A disfigured fiend, a horrid malformed monster creeping across the Internet seeking only to inflict misery, happened upon Twosentenceland, and, enjoying it, stayed put. There, the unhappy, nightmarishly bored monster scratched and clawed at the ratings of Twosentencelanders who only looked for enteraintment and fun and creativity, and wanted desperately for the troll to have its fucking head run over by an eighteen wheeler.
Banana Catastrophe
Starving on the drive home as usual, Jennifer briefly wondered why she had waited until the merge to peel and eat her banana. She stopped wondering about this as soon as she was decapitated in the fiery crash that ensued.
You Really Should Be More Careful About Your Teeth….
“Grinding your teeth is really going to destroy your teeth,” the dentist said lecturing her patient. The stress caused by this revelation caused the patient to clamp his teeth shut, cracking two of them down to his gums.
zombie hangover part 6
I thought maybe I’d want to eat people, as they do in the movies. Everyone was dead though, and when I bit into my wife, she hardly flinched, and I was not satiated because the dead had nothing for the dead.
Chelsea, Tabitha, and Mrs. Renfrew
“I’ll never be married,” mused the middle-aged woman as she sipped on free champagne and watched with shameful bitterness as a toddler in a tuxedo chased a group of newborn ducks. “I’m going to become one of those angry spinsters who’s mean to children and gives her cats people names.”
The thing in the window
Mary had never been scared to walk alone at night through the halls of the hundred-year-old psychiatric hospital, knowing that it had always been “a good place,” where patients were treated with kindness and respect even in its earliest days. But that all changed the night Yvette showed her the third-story window, where no staff or patients were currently housed, and through which a ghostly light could be seen on some nights silhouetting a human-like form.
The thing in the hall
Alison shut her eyes hard and covered her face with her hands, forcing the image of the thing at the end of the hall out of her brain and silently repeating over and over again that such a thing could not exist. She was certain the apparition would be gone the moment she opened her eyes, but instead she saw with horror that it was now inches from her face.