Category: Two Sentence Stories

Check out the freaks.
I’ll take a twin pack of ‘em.

I didn’t brush my teeth today!
(I’m a dentist.)

I am attempting to grow an onion in the garden.
It’s my widdle onion baby boo boo.

If I lived in Star Wars universe I’d turn to the dark side without hesitation.
Bwah ha ha ha!

I have struck down thousands.
Lawnmowing.

I realise now that you were not being unkind.
You just know nothing of our world.

Is that what you really want?
Fine – go with that whore of a John Deere tractor and see if I care!

When the school melted it was a blow to the entire community.
Next time we’ll build it from chocolate rather than ice-cream.

I was allowed to outlaw three things forever.
I chose no-fat yogurt, those stupid 555 Hollywood phone numbers, and dinosaurs not existing.

You make me laugh when you stand by the window, screw up your face, and try desperately to comprehend the universe.
A speck of sand in the ocean has a better chance of understanding than you.

When you join the club look closely at all the current members.
One day one of them will try to kill you.

We used to have some wicked kinky sex.
Then I got to know you and got all embarrassed.

When I sigh at work I’m really saying “you’re a fucking idiot who should die horribly”.
No offence.

Hey, did you hear that the rules have all changed?
Yeah, being a boring self-centred fuckwit is now sexy so you’re totally in dude!

I spend quite a lot of my spare time trying to find my niche.
I’m starting to suspect it was found in the 70s, bought up by greedy foreigners, polluted and fucked over then finally left to slowly decline, a glorious weed-covered wreck just marking off time until the sun explodes.