I spoke with the Emperor this morning, and he is leaving Moscow for Paris this evening with eight teams of extra horses. The Army is to follow in the morning; yet I fear that we are all dead.
Outlaw
I was allowed to outlaw three things forever.
I chose no-fat yogurt, those stupid 555 Hollywood phone numbers, and dinosaurs not existing.
More marketing girl
You make me laugh when you stand by the window, screw up your face, and try desperately to comprehend the universe.
A speck of sand in the ocean has a better chance of understanding than you.
Begged
You begged on your knees for me to forgive you.
I gave in, but mostly because I couldn’t bear to see you debase yourself like that anymore.
Club
When you join the club look closely at all the current members.
One day one of them will try to kill you.
Embarrassed
We used to have some wicked kinky sex.
Then I got to know you and got all embarrassed.
Don’t mind
Love me and then fuck me.
Or the other way around, I don’t mind.
Yesterday
Yesterday I finished the first draft of a children’s book.
Today I have forgotten I wrote it at all.
Sigh
When I sigh at work I’m really saying “you’re a fucking idiot who should die horribly”.
No offence.
Fateful Day
She loved me once, but now she’s marrying someone else. No matter – people are filing into the church, and my revenge shall be sweet.
Lyrical
We named those parts Lyrical.
Then we waxed her.
Hope
I know you are in love with me because of my heart, mind and soul.
I know … hope … that my millions mean … nothing?
Salesman
Hey, did you hear that the rules have all changed?
Yeah, being a boring self-centred fuckwit is now sexy so you’re totally in dude!
Niche
I spend quite a lot of my spare time trying to find my niche.
I’m starting to suspect it was found in the 70s, bought up by greedy foreigners, polluted and fucked over then finally left to slowly decline, a glorious weed-covered wreck just marking off time until the sun explodes.
Avoiding a scene
I was trying to avoid a scene.
It’s a puppy in a cape, a talking horse and a cake – nothing to get worked up about.
Forgiven
I know you are no longer angry with me.
I worry this is because you no longer care, rather than you’ve forgiven me.
Moving Day
She smiled, turned the key in the lock, then walked away from the empty old house for the last time, jumped into her car and drove off following the moving van down the deserted country road.
Inside the attic walls only the spiders and mice could hear the steady heartbeat of the man who lay muffled and bound in the pitch black.
Tag
A moment before I leapt off the bus I slapped a stranger across the back of the neck.
Worldwide tag!
Anal Economics
You say the “invisible hand of the marketplace” should be allowed to sell cigarettes to little children all over the third world?
I say, “Take that invisible hand and FIST yourself with it”.
Bath of light
I took a bath of light yesterday.
First I loofered up with my elf-soap rock then I massaged essence of fairy dust through my hair and then dried off with a unicorn hair towel.