I read: “single mum loves to dance and keep fit doing so (i am a size 8 ) whose happy with her body and the skin I’m in and love my motor sport needs to love a guy who loves to dance and has a natural high energy level and is single, honurst, kind, passionate, careing, romantic, and has a high sex drive.” Cheryl, I said, “you’ve mis-spelled ‘honest’”.
Category: Competition
Competition
A Rich Man’s Gag Gift
Two silver eggs with gold filigree–and earring studs. His note read, “Modeled after a pair de Sade gave _his_ girlfriend.”
I leaned close to hear his last whisper
“Please, please come much closer for I am dying now, and I can only whisper… just a few moments left; but I need you to tell them how I felt about her at the end… oooh my dearest God.
You… you see she was my purest soul mate, a final fusion, and when she left, most… no, no… all of my soul was ripped from my body, and now it is with her, but that is as lovely to me as though she where here at my bedside to be adored.”
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
God damn right I was broken up after she left!
How the hell
would YOU feel pushed out the window of your third floor apartment?
Thicker Than Water
“I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Crane,” the bemused Emergency Room physician told the distraught parents, “there must be some mistake … your blood types are incompatible with that of your son.”
Mr. Crane, momentarily forgetting his paternal duty and concern, crossed the room and, almost imperceptibly and for the first time in a decade of marriage, began to raise his right hand toward the blushing left cheek of his wife.
The Gods Return
Winged Mercury spoke the hideous verdict, “The Gods resolve that the vast Corporate claws buried so deeply in your beloved children’s hearts are irremovable; therefore each tiny chest must be fully cleansed.”
Thus unchained the relentless Furies toiled, surrounding great Wall Street with the huge open pit that ceaselessly they filled with colossal piles of once gentle, now putrid, little hearts; and yet, the reader will be unsurprised, the Great Winners within continued honoring themselves with such vast self-love that they failed to note their grisly suffocation from the putrid stink … as the Gods settled their accounts.
Third party
I am his girl who makes him smile even for a while. I am also the reason why he shed tears all the time.
Rest in Peace
I wanted to fight injustice and save the world, but icky!
I never thought I’d actually have to put my LIFE on the line?
Goodbye Revolution
My nose hits the springy sodden wicker basket bottom.
My head flips once and settles so that I now look back up at the gray sky and the gushing stump of my neck.
All the Unheard Screams
No one believed seven-year-old Scotty Schmekmeier, that kindly old Dr. Krappendorf was in reality an evil son of a bitch who visited unspeakable horrors on the children of Phfiffenburg. No one did, until a search for the missing doctor revealed the contents of his root cellar, and what was stored in those dozens of jars of formaldehyde.
A Fabulous Human Being
Barry considered himself the most fabulous human being in the universe, because he wasn’t hooked on booze, dope, sex, porn, nicotine, caffeine, meds, food, gambling, talk radio, TV, or the Internet.
He pondered his magnificence, as he sucked the edge of unscented, gold-colored Dial antibacterial bath soap.
Land of the Free
Oh sure, I sent your mother to my own lab for unneeded tests.
Yea, it’s true that what she spent there would have purchased the drugs needed to preserve her life, but as her Doctor and a patriot, I salute her death and deeply honor her, a free woman and a true American.
Only the Dead have Seen the End of War *
Ecstatically they haul our huge, creaking horse to the very center of their city, while the molten sun stokes the furnace of our wooden, hidden womb and spitting sweat blinds us.
My screeching heart heralds the huge coming of death that will end this, the greatest war the world has ever seen.
* Title from Plato
Spacebar
Once upon a time, a girl was typing on a computer. Half the time she pressed the spacebar it didn’t work.
FD&C red 40
His crew called him Kool Aid Man. When I asked him why he said “ooooooh yeah.”
Bidet
David straddled the bidet directly above the nozzle. Little did he know, a mad scientist had succeeded in transforming city water into acid.
168 Marks on The Ishango Bone
The marks were humble, even gentle in their up and down march on 30,000 year-old fibula …six times ticking off the lunar month.
My inner eye netted her tiny, black hands meticulously aligning the rows so that her menstrual beat merged with the moon’s ballet; and she became the earth’s first mathematician.
Lesson Learned
Mom and Dad had always told me to knock on a closed door before going into a room. I thought maybe my closet door didn’t count until the day I opened it and saw the monster I always knew was in there banging a transvestite hooker.
Frankenstein
Giant Undead Babies. Sounds Interesting…
Airlines
The Airline says to secure the airbag on yourself before your children. The Airline was wrong.