You doubt my buttons ‘o bread?
Way better than your buttons ‘o stupid.
Category: Two Sentence Stories
Fired
Fired, fired, fired.
Joy, joy, joy.
Writing tip
Being a writer mainly is about lying well.
Start with yourself, move to your friends and then the world!
Sticking it
Will some clever people one day develop robots so incredibly good at fucking that each of us will abandon sticking it to humans?
Will our last days be spent in a haze of pseudo-flesh, a nil birth-rate and the collapse of the nappy industry?
Delight
I haven’t forgotten the look of greedy delight on your face when I told you I was fired and you thought my dreams were over for sure.
(I wanted to be fired and I’m still following my dreams, asshole.)
Winner
I went to school with a two-time Brownlow medal winner.
I could win the Nobel prize now and he would still be more famous.
Kryptonite
Twice in the same day I saw the t-shirt “Say No to Kryptonite”.
All this instruction is making me want to say yes.
Brands
Every single day I come to work and hear you talk about marketing and brands and building the brand I wish for a virus to escape a Russian lab and spread across the world, wiping out all humanity.
I want you to be one of the last people to die so you can really appreciate that building the brand really is NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT!
Staying
You know she is the one for me so you’re just going to have to get over it.
I don’t care little dog – she is staying!
Unravelling
Oh shit she’s unravelling!
Woollen dog comes apart.
It ages you
I really can’t pinpoint the moment I went from being young and fun to being old and sour.
Sometime after I started my first serious job and somewhere between the third and tenth time I had to sell out everything I believed in is my best guess.
Ants
I set the ants in my yard various tasks.
I’m trying to get them to evolve but they keep complaining I’m only doing it so I don’t have to hang my own clothes up or mow the lawn.
For two
The cataclysmic retardation my best friend suffered utterly destroyed him and left a fucked up shell.
Now I have to do twice as much and be twice as good because I’m trying to live for both of us.
Manifestos
If you’ve got a day off tomorrow like me then I’ve got a totally awesome idea for us!
Let’s all work on our manifestos together!
Paper
This paper belongs to four strangers (they all got off at different stations). Ink-strained and alone, but at least it got a free ride.
– Tom Burns
Lend it
We launched an epic war of conquest and years later we returned home, bloody but victorious.
Next time we ask to borrow a cup of sugar, just lend it ok?
Night
At night, everything comes to life.
Watch out for the toaster!
Banker
Driving home, I made up the most incredibly cool rap song.
Unfortunately there’s no paper and pens in the car so I guess I’ll just have to stay being a banker.
Friends
I know we just met but let me just say straight up that I think we’ll make awesome online friends.
We’ll have to stop seeing each other in real life of course.
Taught
We have taught each other so much in the time we’ve spent together.
You’ve taught me about love and hope and justice and I’ve taught you about lentils and parachute pants and how to fold little paper dogs out of any spare scrap you find.