No one believed seven-year-old Scotty Schmekmeier, that kindly old Dr. Krappendorf was in reality an evil son of a bitch who visited unspeakable horrors on the children of Phfiffenburg. No one did, until a search for the missing doctor revealed the contents of his root cellar, and what was stored in those dozens of jars of formaldehyde.
Bread
By the time you read this, I’ll be bread.
The baker’s suicide note.
Mostly
What have I been doing for the last three years?
Mostly stealing my future away.
You do!
If you were a clitoris I bet you’d be one of those ones that just demands stimulation all the time.
Hey … that’s exactly what you do!
A Fabulous Human Being
Barry considered himself the most fabulous human being in the universe, because he wasn’t hooked on booze, dope, sex, porn, nicotine, caffeine, meds, food, gambling, talk radio, TV, or the Internet.
He pondered his magnificence, as he sucked the edge of unscented, gold-colored Dial antibacterial bath soap.
Buried
When I buried your body in the garden I didn’t expect a tree to grow.
It’s a fruit tree that looks really awesome but the fruit is fucking disgusting (in case you’re wondering).
Stories
The younger me wouldn’t believe my stories of real life.
Yes, I really did bonk a girl on the head with her own vibrator once.
Movies
There are so many movies combinations I wish were made.
Hmm … Alien meets Thelma & Louise come to mind first.
Land of the Free
Oh sure, I sent your mother to my own lab for unneeded tests.
Yea, it’s true that what she spent there would have purchased the drugs needed to preserve her life, but as her Doctor and a patriot, I salute her death and deeply honor her, a free woman and a true American.
Today
Today I cut it all off with you.
And to my great shame I felt great for the rest of the day.
Relief
I paced the room for hours wondering how to tell you I didn’t want to be with you anymore.
Then you died in a car accident on the way to my house and I was SO relieved.
Only the Dead have Seen the End of War *
Ecstatically they haul our huge, creaking horse to the very center of their city, while the molten sun stokes the furnace of our wooden, hidden womb and spitting sweat blinds us.
My screeching heart heralds the huge coming of death that will end this, the greatest war the world has ever seen.
* Title from Plato
Dr V
For years my sister wrote letters from “Dr. Vagina” to the city councillors representing every town issue through the viewpoint of the effect on town vaginas.
The day the police arrived was the first time I ever saw my mother laugh so hard she cried.
Good move
My girlfriend said I fuck just like her ex-boyfriend.
Good move, soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend!
Search
Search and seek.
Freak.
Worthy pursuit
After I slept with you my whole life suddenly made sense.
The only worthy pursuit in life is access to vagina!
Spacebar
Once upon a time, a girl was typing on a computer. Half the time she pressed the spacebar it didn’t work.
Answers
There are answers at the bottom of a shot glass actually.
And the more answers you get to, the funnier they are.
Acting
My greatest acting moment was squeezing out tears as I walked away from you.
Next up: acting like I am really broken up about it all.
FD&C red 40
His crew called him Kool Aid Man. When I asked him why he said “ooooooh yeah.”