I have a very CANDY strange type of SUGER-COATED TEDDY-BEAR HUGGING Tourettes.
Soon, soon I shall be FAIRY-KISSING UNICORN FLYING cured.
Drought
I have the solution to the drought!
Cry me a river.
Hooray
Hooray for the future! Who would have believed someone would sleep with you because of a blog post?
Latest in technology
I am the latest in technology.
I sensed your heartbeat quickening as you stepped closer to me.
Finally home
She paced the floor over and over, cursing his very being, dreaming of how many ways she would tear him apart for putting her through this misery again, when he arrived home, which he always did, with a stupid look on his face and a lame excuse emanating from his lips.
No matter how much she loved him, she would teach him a lesson this time she vowed, until the knock on the front door accompanied by the two uniformed police officers, brought her world to a crashing halt.
Mistake
Everyone makes one mistake.
Perhaps you were mine.
the colourful fish
The fish swished and twirled,twisted and whirled ,whenever you came near. He wiggled and jiggled trying to bust out as though your lips on the glass just weren’t enough.
the awakening
She slapped him across the face and he quickly turned white as a ghost. She said “I’m so sorry,” then he said “so am I.”
The Dog That Speaks English
Phoebe – a small dog who wasn’t known for her jumping abilities – wasn’t allowed on the furniture but after begging every night, her female owner finally said, “OK, Phoebe, if you can make it onto the bed by yourself, then I’ll let you stay up here.” Moments later Phoebe used all her might and jumped on the bed; her female owner turned to her husband and said, “See, I told you she speaks English.”
Coupons
You gave them to me for my birthday and I expect you to honour them.
I don’t care we’re broken up – these sex coupons are still valid!
The Weasel
She could eat the heart right out of a victim, tearing the flesh, wounding to the bone, and devouring the soul.
Who said all weasels had to have four legs?
Janes Jump
Jane looked down from the open door of the plane, her heart beating like a bass drum, and her hands grasping the sides of the doorway for dear life while the wind tried to suck her out before she could jump.
“I can’t do it” she screamed above the roaring in her ears and looking back at her jump partner, but it was too late, when she looked back her foot slid over the side and she was sucked out of the plane.
Alpha and Omega
That morning was like all the other mornings, sludgy and automatic, nothing different about it at all. It wasn’t until he was at work, until the man across the counter raised the gun, that he even realized he’d woken up dead –had always been waking up dead — and that the frozen moment of watching the bullet barrel toward him was going to be the extent of his very short life.
Religious Compatibility
On their first date, she’s curious to know if he’s a man who prays. “Only on the weak,” he says.
Pushing the Limits
Poised on the brink, muscles taut, back straight, Carol dives into history. Slicing the water cleanly, no ripples present, she emerges to eruptions from the crowd and the announcer proclaiming a new record set.
Hide
Love found me.
I said, “now you go hide”.
Adventure
Life is an adventure so dangerous it will cost you your life.
Otherwise, what the fuck are you here for?
Two can play that game
Her love for him was as strong as an ocean current, like a riptide pulling her farther away from him and then bouncing her back, only to have him break her heart again with all his infidelities, until she could no longer take it and in a sudden burst of clarity knew what she had to do to inflict an equal, if not greater, amount of pain on her beloved.
So on October 15th, she married him!
Goldfish
Goldfish piss in the water they live.
Humans allow them to do this.
Blood lamingtons
As the sun set on Jacaranda St, Mrs Jones cut sponge cake into squares and dipped each piece carefully into thick chocolate paste and rolled through the coconut, just as her mother once taught her. But as the shrill of the kettle peaked to a new high, Mr Jones collapsed in his chair, his biscuit falling into his coffee: he was gone at last.