You were always with me wherever I went. Then, my friends complained about the fetid odor of your corpse and I had to leave you home.
Air, the Nonlethal Weapon
The success of catch-and-release inspired a similar policy for non-piscine game: shoot-and-release. This was notably less successful.
The Other Side of the Coin
He should not have been surprised that the woman who once adored him now wished him all manner of evil. The kind of passion that expresses itself as love can just as easily express itself as hate.
Bad Practice
Her self-esteem was too fragile to continue going to therapy. There’s nothing worse than feeling judged by you psychologist.
Seeking Proof
Benny hunted ghouls in the Shriners’ cemetery, doubting they existed. When a Fez tassel slapped his face and a corpse gnawed on his skull he believed, briefly.
The Wallet
I’ve spent my last money to buy this wallet, just to take your photograph everywhere I go. God, I’m in love with you again.
Equally Perplexed
I once met a man who had never ventured out of his home state, let alone country. He didn’t understand the world from where I came, but neither did I understand the world by which he lived.
Impromptu Divorce
I’m free; what have I done?
This dichotomous thought occurred to the knife-wielding man as he stood over his newly murdered wife’s corpse, wondering what he should do next.
Time Travel
He couldn’t get over the feeling of deja vu as he activated the time machine. He couldn’t get over the feeling of deja vu as he activated the time machine.
Government Can Solve Anything
The new Unified World Congress passed a new law to ban breathing, under the auspices that it was harming the environment.
Their next move is to censure the sun for contributing to global warming.
Bribery of a Ring Bearer
The crowd all at once gasped in shock as little chubby-cheeked Blue-eyes suddenly ran past the bride and groom and flung the ring into the lake, pillow and all. “Nice work, chubby-cheeks,” I muttered to the tree I was peering around the edge of, watching intently as the wedding reception turned to chaos, not once taking my eyes off the beautiful bride as I flipped open my wallet and took out the promised ten dollar reward.
The Swimmer
He spent every summer swimming on his neighborhood team, cheering at the meets, and sharing awful concession stand food with his friends. Even now, he gets a little nostalgic over slightly soggy nachos.
Joke of Probability
She met two Spanish boys while standing in line for an hour outside the palace at Versailles. She passed them crossing the street months later in Rome and said nothing because it felt not like fate, but like pure happenstance.
Last Breaths
After watching people in their last hours at the hospital, she concluded the lungs were the stupidest organs of all. She could never figure out why they insisted on struggling ahead long after the rest of the body seemed to have understood what was happening and given up.
No big deal
He broke up with her the day before finals. She scored 100 on every exam.
Innocence Avoided
Eight-year-old Amanda isn’t writing a letter to Santa Claus this year — she already has what she wants. She smears a message on the wall of her room, with unsteady hands covered in blood and mutters, “Daddy won’t ever touch me again.”
Duty
He made a lot of promises when drunk. What may have been even more stupid is that he felt compelled to honor them when sober.
Unwritten
The old woman had a very well-educated granddaughter whom she seldom wrote. It wasn’t for lack of love, but rather because she felt her own, uneducated writing would seem laughable.
Withdrawal
When her doctor informed her she must stop eating sugar, she followed his advice immediately. For months afterward, she would dream of an imaginary grocery store aisle with nothing but refrigerated cakes as far as they eye could see.
Time to Dream Again
Lifting up, up, up off of the crinkly papered bed, she floated aboard the majestic, wooden air ship, where she slow-danced with Prince Charming’s handsome son, wearing a flowing ball gown that sparkled like diamonds in the melting lip-gloss gold sunset that the circus animal crew – elephants and zebras wearing colorful hats and silly shirts – was working to sail into, paddling their oars rhythmically against tufts of cumulonimbus clouds as if silently marking the beat of her dance. This was her favorite place to go whenever Mommy and the doctor started talking about her cancer.