I’m like a teenage Adam Trask. Luckily, I wasn’t shot in the shoulder to find that out.
Lowered Expectations
He maintained a permanent, unshakable calm and was never miffed by anyone’s behavior or ruffled by anyone’s criticisms or insults. This is because he woke up every morning expecting at least one person to be an asshole and, accordingly, he was never disappointed or surprised when it happened.
No Competition
Being the last man alive was not as bad as the movies had made it out to be.
He was the most attractive,the wealthiest and the funniest guy in the world.
Postnuptial Depression
My first marriage was a mistake. And it still is.
Misrepresentation
The only occasions upon which he took out enough time to write people letters were the times when he was most deeply depressed. As a result, those who lived at a distance from him felt certain he was in a perpetual state verging on suicidal.
Whoops
On holiday, I met a handsome and kind man who I talked to a lot and exchanged phone numbers with. When I got back to my house, I tried calling him only to be told it was the wrong number.
Last One Chosen
I never was good at charades. Then again, I have no arms.
Famous
He willed himself to become something more than a whisper but upon opening his eyes, he saw that they still ignored him.
“Tomorrow” he then said to himself, before drifting away.
To Each His Own
They were both morbidly obese when they got married. They spent the honeymoon in bed, but not like people thought—instead they lie there watching on-demand movies and guzzling down buckets of chicken.
Prophetic
My friend is always having trouble with men, and I dreamt last night she was a very happy, well-adjusted lesbian. Now I wonder if I should tell her to give it a go?
Violation
She couldn’t stand to be touched. Once, in college, her girlfriends had insisted on washing, drying, combing, and curling her hair while she protested and cried the whole time.
Last Love
Just when He had decided to die from old age, her love found him. Her wrinkled skin, spotted hands and balding head almost gave him a heart attack.
Storm Damage
The wind howled, roared, and raged around us like a ravenous animal out for blood, yet somehow we were spared. Tragically, down the street, a very different end.
The Secret of a Two Sentence Story
The key to writing a two sentence story is to make it sound deep and complicated. People will usually rate it highly because they don’t understand it and they’d rather not face their own stupidity.
Whoopsie Dasies
I managed to screw up the title and my name. I think i just landed myself in the pantheon of imbeciles
Phillip Baynes
Perhaps God is simply a disenfranchised man sitting alone in his apartment. Perhaps God only created the universe to feel like God, it’d explain a lot.
Recovery
When Jim and I broke up, I had my portrait painted in the foyer of the mall. A little girl yelled, “Look, he’s painting that beautiful woman,” and watched until the painting was finished.
The Death of Envy
When I spoke enviously of Josephine’s long lashes, rosy cheeks and soft curves, the corners of my Samael’s lips lifted, and he let out a low, menacing laugh that sent an erotic chill down my spine. He withdrew his blade and spoke in a hauntingly satisfied murmur to its blood-stained tip: “My love, all skeletons look the same.”
Fatherhood
“I’m sorry Jim, he was never yours,” she said, pulling the the child away. That was the last time he saw his son.
Charlie
He pontificated to his band of retard children, talking of revolution and apocalypse. To them, he was god, to us, he was simply Charles Manson.