They say you shouldn’t stuff your face when you’re stressed because the fat will long outlast your worries, but really it’s the other way around. If only we were able to crap out and flush away the stress as easily the next day!
Directions Please
At the edge of his world lay a secret box. Now all he needed was someone to point the way there.
Object, Pronoun
Although you may personally object, only I am the pro of this noun; grammatically speaking, of course.
Build It!
If you build it, they will come. If you eat it, they will flush–just don’t eat before building.
Love’s Rose
Even in this, His love is shown:
Thorns may exist, so does the rose
Ifs, Thens, Whens
If if’s can be when’s and when’s can be if’s, then then’s can be when’s but only with if’s.
It’s never that easy.
He told me just to stop and take a breath. As if my drowning was by choice.
East of Eden
I’m like a teenage Adam Trask. Luckily, I wasn’t shot in the shoulder to find that out.
Lowered Expectations
He maintained a permanent, unshakable calm and was never miffed by anyone’s behavior or ruffled by anyone’s criticisms or insults. This is because he woke up every morning expecting at least one person to be an asshole and, accordingly, he was never disappointed or surprised when it happened.
No Competition
Being the last man alive was not as bad as the movies had made it out to be.
He was the most attractive,the wealthiest and the funniest guy in the world.
Postnuptial Depression
My first marriage was a mistake. And it still is.
Misrepresentation
The only occasions upon which he took out enough time to write people letters were the times when he was most deeply depressed. As a result, those who lived at a distance from him felt certain he was in a perpetual state verging on suicidal.
Whoops
On holiday, I met a handsome and kind man who I talked to a lot and exchanged phone numbers with. When I got back to my house, I tried calling him only to be told it was the wrong number.
Last One Chosen
I never was good at charades. Then again, I have no arms.
Famous
He willed himself to become something more than a whisper but upon opening his eyes, he saw that they still ignored him.
“Tomorrow” he then said to himself, before drifting away.
To Each His Own
They were both morbidly obese when they got married. They spent the honeymoon in bed, but not like people thought—instead they lie there watching on-demand movies and guzzling down buckets of chicken.
Prophetic
My friend is always having trouble with men, and I dreamt last night she was a very happy, well-adjusted lesbian. Now I wonder if I should tell her to give it a go?
Violation
She couldn’t stand to be touched. Once, in college, her girlfriends had insisted on washing, drying, combing, and curling her hair while she protested and cried the whole time.
Last Love
Just when He had decided to die from old age, her love found him. Her wrinkled skin, spotted hands and balding head almost gave him a heart attack.
Storm Damage
The wind howled, roared, and raged around us like a ravenous animal out for blood, yet somehow we were spared. Tragically, down the street, a very different end.