He waited years for her to leave her husband. One morning, he awoke with the sense that things could end simply because the person he was waiting for didn’t exist; and the person he was severing ties with was merely an impostor.
Two words too many
She didn’t mind when he stared at the photo and blurted out, “This looks nothing like you!” She did mind when he added, “It’s hot.”
Tables Turned
At first, she thought he was cold and seriously lacking in empathy, because whenever she brought up her impending surgery, he changed the topic or simply told her not to worry about it. But he was there when she came to, helping her to change out of her paper gown and even pulling up her panties for her; and she saw he had been worried more than she had.
A Heavy Weight
At 25, he had already spent a life-time of regrets and guilt.
And the thought that there was more to come weighed on his mind heavily.
Time Marches On
When she first visited Athens, she was surprised—not by the ruins, they were exactly as she had expected them to be, but by the rest of it. For all the quaint charm of the dusty agora and its tumbled columns with flowers growing up in between the cracks and butterflies hovering poetically over them, a ten minutes’ walk in any direction, and you might think for a moment you were on a dingy street in Philadelphia or Detroit.
The score
He dreaded his birthday. He couldn’t help making an unconscious tally every year of who phoned or e-mailed and who didn’t and he preferred not to be so painfully aware of which friends and family members didn’t care enough to remember.
Prevention and Punishment Combined
The med student wanted to graft hands onto Sharia victims. The defenders of Sharia cut off *his* hands first.
Bearings
I do, in fact, have a moral compass. I just haven’t fine-tuned it yet.
Crazy
She read that Nietzsche went insane and clutched the neck of a horse being mercilessly flogged by an irate coach driver. She could never understand why it was Nietzsche and not the coach driver who got hauled off to the asylum.
Change
He got into nonprofit work because he loved people. He got out of nonprofit work because he hated people.
Gold Digger’s Nightmare
When they married, he was four times her age but they got along marvelously. Then some asshole invented Viagra.
Let Down
She grew up on Disney movies, Jane Austen novels, and romantic comedies. She was disappointed, during her first kiss, to discover that the human tongue felt strangely like a giant slug in her mouth.
Past Tense
She was not the jealous type and never suspected him of infidelity. All the same, she was morbidly curious about his former lovers—what kind of panties they wore, what they looked like, how smart they were, what sexual techniques they had—and couldn’t bear the thought of being inferior to them in any way.
Ex-boyfriend
I’m glad you couldn’t see me on the phone. I cried silently every time you were talking.
Subconscious Betrayal
Even though she loved the man she slept beside, she sometimes dreamt of someone else from her past. So her waking heart and sleeping mind were always at war.
Dirty Monuments
He laughed every time he saw a statue in a park or square. At some point in time, a critical mass of the general public had so admired this person, that they immortalized him by erecting a figure to be shat upon by passing birds for centuries to come.
His ‘n’ Hers
He worked out constantly and felt sure she was with him for his manly, rugged good looks. But she fell in love only after seeing his awkward teenage photos hidden away in a family album.
Consolation
I used to fantasize that Zach would go on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” get made over for me, and ask over the special dinner Ted taught him to make if I can ever forgive him for having been so stupid as to turn me down, he was just scared, et cetera, and now he’s realized his mistake and agonized over it, and will I give him a second chance?
Sometimes I would say no and sometimes yes, but invariably, all the Queer Eye guys gasped while watching the clip when I came on the screen and each exclaimed, “Oh she’s delightful,” then another “delicious,” and another “de-lovely!”
Advice
She was deep in discussion with the philosophy professor when his wife called. After hanging up the phone with a grimace, he told the student never to get married: “It’s like saying to someone, ‘I love you so much, I want to trap you for the rest of your life!’”
Second Fiddle
Everyone thought she refused to date him because she was “afraid of ruining the friendship.” But back when they barely knew each other, she had watched him throw himself at another girl; and she hated the thought of taking somebody’s leftovers or of being Plan B.