I was trying to explain to a drunkard why we should remain friends and not venture into romance. After I found out he skipped town the next day to hop trains and avoid me and taxes forever, I felt nothing but relief.
Where?
There were well-meaning people in the support group who found solace in that mound of dirt above their loved one’s coffin. But she could never relate and seldom visited the cemetery.
Scorned
He broke up with her on October 30. The next night, she threw on red devil horns, walked straight up to the cutest boy at the Halloween party, and explained that her costume was “Woman’s Vengeance.”
The Right Fit
She dated around for years, and there were guys she probably would’ve married if things had gone differently, if they had stuck around long enough to ask. It wasn’t until Boyfriend #63 that she realized what a mistake and a misery that would have been and what she would have missed out on by settling.
Diet
She began eating organic foods in order to make herself healthier. She ended up with worms.
The Bachelor
He was old, single, and never able to keep romance afloat for long, so everyone assumed he was secretly gay. The truth is, he was just really bad with women.
False Modesty
He had an intense fear of appearing conceited and took great pains to make light of his accomplishments or to avoid discussing them altogether. At first, she confused this with modesty and found the trait endearing; but eventually, she recognized it as the height of arrogance: he must believe himself to be a living miracle, given the amount of time and energy he expended in convincing people it was not so and worrying that his presence in the room might make them feel small.
The Duel
All his life, he resented being born in a Catholic town in a Catholic country. Things came to a head when he sued the local parish priest, challenging him to prove the existence of God.
Wasted Pages
He read a book by an author known as the “Great Listener.” He was disappointed to find her reputation founded on the fact that she had nothing coherent to say.
Benefits
The disease he contracted was not life-threatening, but it scared him enough that he turned his routine upside down and dramatically altered his diet. In the end, that brief scare and the changes it prompted added ten years to his life.
Perspective
She used to dread going to the dentist and having her cavities filled. But after she fell ill and had surgery in the hospital, the idea of a quick, simple shot of Novocain seemed like a joke.
Sweet Nothings
He charmed her by saying unusual things like: “You and I are like a block in a logic game, we have to go together.” They were so un-romantic that they felt genuine, whereas the tried-and-true romantic lines she’d heard so many times before from other men always felt forced and contrived.
Resignation
He worried about her sister and pleaded with her a million times to end the affair until he finally realized that it filled some void, some need that she had. He knew she wouldn’t stop until it appeared to her that this no longer satisfied that need.
Sharing #2
When she went down in the world, she was not surprised to see her circle of friends diminish; but she was shocked when her fortune changed, and the same thing occurred. Some friends who could commiserate with her in the roughest of times couldn’t seem to bring themselves to celebrate with her when things were good.
Condescension
Once, during a discussion about neurons, he laughed at her and said, “You’re such a victim of Time Magazine!” That was the end of the affair.
Concessions
She married a man obsessed with hunting and camouflage. At the wedding reception, they cut open a groom’s cake in the shape of a deer head.
Flying
She didn’t have many good memories of her father. But there was one that she clung to: when she was very small and they played together in the pool, and he would put her on his knee and throw her high into the air.
Hypocrisy
All the girls in the female student lounge had their noses pressed to the windows to watch the inhabitants of floor C in the all-boys’ dorm across the lawn put on a voluntary, low-fi improvised strip tease complete with strobe lighting and floor fans. But when the boys finished up and gestured that it was the girls’ turn to reciprocate, the room quickly emptied.
The Theft
I had a thing for the peanut posters plastered in every subway car. Late one night, emboldened by booze, I ripped one out of its flimsy frame and felt surprised no one else seemed to notice.
Bi-coastal
She thought she was a West Coast girl accidentally born on the East Coast until she visited a friend in California. Listening to the girls there talk about making out with each other the night before—since they’d gotten bored at the party where no interesting boys could be found—she realized she was, in fact, fully an East Coast girl.