Somewhat disoriented after waking up in a strange hotel room after his first night in town, Belson Crandle could not remember where he put his shoes. He finally found them in the ice bucket, newly polished and filled with vanilla pudding and dead mice.
Category: Competition
Competition
Were They Strong?
She was a Doctor at a children’s hospital in Nagasaki starting the day after the bomb.
Her first day there lasted 103 hours, but even then she could not sleep for the horror.
Dud Muffin
Every single night, I sleep with me, myself, and I. I consider myself lucky to have daily threesomes.
Stir-fry of Doom
She had an abortion the other night. It was delicious, though a little crunchy.
Were They Strong?
Yes, I knew Anna quite well, and I can tell you before you even ask that she definitely wrote the six cello suites in 1721 because Bach told me so; and he also said that she could out-write him on any stringed instrument… “NO question!”, he would yell it out.
They had 13 children, yet she was buried at Leipzig in a pauper’s grave and was never recognition for her genius… go figure.
A Dish Best Served Cold
After all the ghouls had been destroyed, Mike returned to the graveyard where his mother was buried. In her casket, he found only a menu serving the former contents at $5.99 a plate.
Where They Strong?
I will not forget that it was September, 1914, the Marne; and she was working with her usual fury at a first aid station only 250 meters behind d’Esperey’s Fifth Army line.
I was there 30 seconds after the shell hit, and even 60 years later, I can close my eyes and see her beautiful, dead face.
Were They Strong?
‘Yes filthy King, against your “law” I gave my brother sacred burial, and for this you murdered me by starvation; yet look ye now, repulsive pig, as thrusting from its grave, my hand brings you low!’
Thus beneath joyous Gods, a pious Antigone crushes a reckless King.
Were They Strong?
No I didn’t know her well… no one did actually, but I know she was 23 when she died.
It was Amsterdam in 1944, and she was still running her Jew-hiding network… even a few gypsies… when the Gestapo got her, raped her a few times and hung her from a meat hook with piano wire.
Grilled Sleaze Sandwich
The Bangkok Suites may have been a cheap motel, but Babs Crasshank knew she was cheaper by far. As she searched the bottle-littered room for her pantyhose, she had a scotch-soaked half cigarette and one of last night’s fortune cookies for breakfast.
Another Leader Another Betrayal
I spoke with the Emperor this morning, and he is leaving Moscow for Paris this evening with eight teams of extra horses. The Army is to follow in the morning; yet I fear that we are all dead.
Fateful Day
She loved me once, but now she’s marrying someone else. No matter – people are filing into the church, and my revenge shall be sweet.
Moving Day
She smiled, turned the key in the lock, then walked away from the empty old house for the last time, jumped into her car and drove off following the moving van down the deserted country road.
Inside the attic walls only the spiders and mice could hear the steady heartbeat of the man who lay muffled and bound in the pitch black.
Anal Economics
You say the “invisible hand of the marketplace” should be allowed to sell cigarettes to little children all over the third world?
I say, “Take that invisible hand and FIST yourself with it”.
Dating help
I read: “single mum loves to dance and keep fit doing so (i am a size 8 ) whose happy with her body and the skin I’m in and love my motor sport needs to love a guy who loves to dance and has a natural high energy level and is single, honurst, kind, passionate, careing, romantic, and has a high sex drive.” Cheryl, I said, “you’ve mis-spelled ‘honest’”.
A Rich Man’s Gag Gift
Two silver eggs with gold filigree–and earring studs. His note read, “Modeled after a pair de Sade gave _his_ girlfriend.”
I leaned close to hear his last whisper
“Please, please come much closer for I am dying now, and I can only whisper… just a few moments left; but I need you to tell them how I felt about her at the end… oooh my dearest God.
You… you see she was my purest soul mate, a final fusion, and when she left, most… no, no… all of my soul was ripped from my body, and now it is with her, but that is as lovely to me as though she where here at my bedside to be adored.”
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
God damn right I was broken up after she left!
How the hell
would YOU feel pushed out the window of your third floor apartment?
Thicker Than Water
“I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Crane,” the bemused Emergency Room physician told the distraught parents, “there must be some mistake … your blood types are incompatible with that of your son.”
Mr. Crane, momentarily forgetting his paternal duty and concern, crossed the room and, almost imperceptibly and for the first time in a decade of marriage, began to raise his right hand toward the blushing left cheek of his wife.
The Gods Return
Winged Mercury spoke the hideous verdict, “The Gods resolve that the vast Corporate claws buried so deeply in your beloved children’s hearts are irremovable; therefore each tiny chest must be fully cleansed.”
Thus unchained the relentless Furies toiled, surrounding great Wall Street with the huge open pit that ceaselessly they filled with colossal piles of once gentle, now putrid, little hearts; and yet, the reader will be unsurprised, the Great Winners within continued honoring themselves with such vast self-love that they failed to note their grisly suffocation from the putrid stink … as the Gods settled their accounts.