My sister told me that when a cat was purring it either meant they were happy or meant that they wanted me to stop petting them, and this made me both paranoid and annoying to cats.
My sister is a jerk.
Category: Competition
Competition
He Meant Well
I know my uncle meant well, taking me out for a milkshake to celebrate my sixth birthday.
But he chose that moment to tell me that my father had just died, so I have to wonder – what was he thinking?
Genuine
“I’m naturally ugly — love me for what I am!”
“I want to, really I do, but it would be so much easier if you were naturally beautiful!”
Pet Peeve
I’m sorry, I’m sure you’re a nice guy — it’s just that when you sing to me you make me want to rip a hole in my neck and scream through it and never stop until I run out of breath and lapse into unconciousness.
And if I wake up and find you serenading me, I’ll get really annoyed.
Maturity
I was hungry today, so I cooked a meal.
At last, I am an adult.
My View
Alone, I am the Eagle.
Surrounded, the Snake.
Fascinated
He walked by, tough and rebellious, fierce and independent, like a panther prowling the wild, like the toughest thug in the prison.
And I said “Hold still, I’m gonna read your tattoos!”
Oops/Heavy Metal, If Dropped, Can Be Dangerous To Your Health
And lo, in a burst of passionate headbanging, his head dislocated from his neck and flew off into the crowd.
A fan, thinking the lead singer had thrown it, caught it and treasured it forever.
How Impractical
There’s a dead baby deer in our backyard.
And all we’re thinking about is how to get rid of the flies.
My Generation
Books? Oh yeah, I remember those!
Unenlightened Narrative
She hums in quiet desolation, wishing that I would stay.
Or maybe she thinks the song is really catchy, in which case I’m the pathetic one.
Conundrum
One afternoon, she went to the store and unexpectedly bought almost 12 months of memories. They weren’t on sale and definitely can’t be returned.
Humanity
I keep myself positive and centered by seeking the inherent goodness of mankind.
I keep myself in touch with reality by believing in the inherent evil of mankind.
Eternity
I want to be forever young, or at least young until I die. Then I’ll black my eyes blue & take refuge behind the lids of eyes.
Racial Integration
Racial Integration is a bit like mixing shit with ice-cream.
It doesn’t do much to the shit, but it really stuffs up the ice-cream.
Wanted: An Honest Man
I suppose what shocked me was the matter-of-fact way she said, “Why can’t men be who they really are when courting a woman, instead of surprising her with their true selves once married?
I mean really, darling,” she added, setting the teacup down and turning to stare out the window, “It’s getting awfully tiring disposing of the bodies, and I’m simply running out of garden.”
Spilled Champagne
“What I need you to understand is that all my life I’ve been toasting with an empty glass,” Alexa frantically explained to the only man who had ever showed her love, who, frustrated with Alexa’s unrelenting self-doubt, was now the man about to walk out on her. “Now that you’ve filled my glass to the top I’ve got to learn how to hold it,” she said, but it was too late; once the champagne spills, there’s no way to get it back in.
Hypocrite.
You told me my flip-flops were unattractive and unsanitary and you would leave me if I kept wearing them. But I’m only alone because that scorpion hid in your shoe.
Long Distance Love
Even though he had to accept the company transfer overseas, they were sure their love would grow in spite of the distance.
He wrote twice, she wrote twice, and that was all either could manage to give.
Chaos at the Ballpark
The pitcher threw, the batter swung clumsily, and the bat flew from the player’s inept hands and soared across the crowded stadium at frightening speed.
The spinning rod flew into the stands and the panicked spectators rushed for safety, except for Jim, who looked up from his new video game three seconds too late to see the flying bat moving towards him and at that moment Jim painfully discovered that the new IPad 2 does not make a good shield against fast-moving projectiles.