He didn’t like the Mona Lisa.
He wanted to be remembered for his carved buttons.
Harder
When I agreed to do it I thought he had said “lawnmowing”.
He actually said lawnmoving, which is way way harder.
Bullies
Holly called back at them: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!” The children dispersed and returned with that which would break her.
Love In The Time Of Recession
Alfredo hurried home earlier than usual, to report to his wife about his situation at work, and how he was laid off along with fifteen hundred others.
Panting for air in between sobbing and breathing, he opened the master bedroom, only to find his spouse naked in bed with another man.
Tolerance
My tolerance for it increased so rapidly that it actually scared me.
In the end I was buying, like, three Faberge eggs a day.
In love
The great thing about being in love is that you don’t have a lot of conversations about being in love.
That you wanted to talk about it the other night gives me pause.
Finally Proud
She lay in bed, staring in wonder at the cover of her first book in print, and with a sleepy, soft prayer to heaven and tears in her eyes, she said, “I hope you are proud of me now, Mom.”
When her heavy eyelids closed, she was still in that place between being awake and dreaming, and she heard a soft, distant whispering in her ear say, “I always was.”
Question
Check out this bit of paper.
The answer to a question no one asked.
Black hole
Inside a black hole the forces are so extreme that time and space itself comes apart.
Yes I threw your stupid comics in there – you never read them!
False Omnipotence
Hail! To the one who has dominion over the minions.
Maybe
Jay’s facebook post prompted me to visit the website of “two sentences stories” where I found wonderful and entertaining submissions by clever writers.
Alas, I can only read and wonder if I too can manage to cram certain thoughts into a two-sentence written format and, perhaps, win a small prize – probably not.
Satisfying
Knowing that you’ll eventually come crawling back is very satisfying.
Throwing snails over the fence again.
One Queasy Piece
Moving the Stienway across the old oak floor took more time than I’d anticipated as my original hire cancelled due to illness and the replacement was not as experienced. Some men just can’t keep up with women.
Mind
You’re not the last thing on my mind.
You’re around the high three thousands.
Collection
Is it just me or is a collection of any critical mass just creepy?
Ceramic puppies, monkey toys, keychains, spoons, machetes.
Blue plastic
My nieces loved the bit in Hotel for Dogs where Lisa Kudrow falls in deep do do. Otherwise it was crap.
Today
Today, tired and exhausted, I stretched and leaned back, hands behind my head, to reach the back of my chair like I always do.
Today, I was sitting on a stool.
Pray
I pray to robot god.
I know I’m a disgusting meat machine but I can do better!
King
The King of the Eyesores visited our town today in his carriage of mouldy meat.
We threw eggs, rotten fruit and toxic waste, as we’re meant to.
Titanic
I wasn’t crying!
I had too much water to drink and my emergency water overload system kicked in and it just happened to be at the end of Titanic, ok?