NASA has proposed a new eco-friendly rocket ship powered by two monkeys and a bicycle.
The project is expected to cost fifty trillion dollars, and will make it to Uranus in about fifty million years, assuming they don’t run out of bananas.
The secret to…
The author of this story knows the secret of life, a secret that he will soon share. But as he types it out, he thinks to himself “Damn, I wish I could have more space”.
Rule
I used to follow the rule “love quickly, forgive quickly”.
Now I follow the rule “live for revenge, fuck as much as you can”.
Movie
I know!
Let’s make a movie about you and then everyone can just watch that and then you can shut the fuck up about yourself because everyone will say “oh, I’ve already seen that!”
Treacherous
John and Suzie were the last surviving heirs to their father’s fortune. At dinner John poisoned Suzie who poisoned John.
Olivia’s and the Keyhole
Charles crawled along the rug, but just could not make it to the door.
“Charles looks much better on the rug than out the door,” thought Olivia.
Liberty Leading the People
A young girl kicked open a locked up coffin. The old man inside told her to vote early and often.
Butterfly
You were just a butterfly drifting through life.
I was just a big hungry spider sitting in my web.
Lost Again…
I miss her so much it is almost unbearable. If there is an afterlife, I will make it up to her there; this I swear with my entire being!
Hooray
Let’s all chant it, because it is so true!
Hip-hip-hooray for sex!
Marketing girl yet again
Every time you talk marketing with me I imagine you saying “would you like fries with that?”
Please quit and give it a try – I think you’d be really good at it!
Yummy
Mmm … yummy!
Your hollow praise is so delicious!
Little things
You want to know why I never mention the little things?
Because they are little (and I don’t like you).
Rut
Why bother trying to get out of your rut?
Dig the ground out from those around you and make them fall.
Kissed
I’ve kissed so much corporate ass that I don’t even notice the taste anymore.
Other people can smell it though, and see the stains.
Search
The search for truth is long and hard.
So is a penis, ha ha.
A solution
So all the baby boomers have tied up the housing market and made it impossible for people like me to ever buy a house.
The only solution is to start murdering old people to move some property back onto the market!
Presentation
You know what would be so much better than that boring old marketing presentation?
How about you flash yourself?
Success
The success of former school bullies sometimes really gets to me.
Then I think “hey, maybe they’ll get cancer and die in horrible pain” and I feel a bit better.
Bile Me A River
One day when I was feeling mellow I went to the beach and let out a bellow.
The sky was quite green and the sea it was yellow,
just like a nice old jaundiced fellow.