He couldn’t get over the feeling of deja vu as he activated the time machine. He couldn’t get over the feeling of deja vu as he activated the time machine.
Government Can Solve Anything
The new Unified World Congress passed a new law to ban breathing, under the auspices that it was harming the environment.
Their next move is to censure the sun for contributing to global warming.
Bribery of a Ring Bearer
The crowd all at once gasped in shock as little chubby-cheeked Blue-eyes suddenly ran past the bride and groom and flung the ring into the lake, pillow and all. “Nice work, chubby-cheeks,” I muttered to the tree I was peering around the edge of, watching intently as the wedding reception turned to chaos, not once taking my eyes off the beautiful bride as I flipped open my wallet and took out the promised ten dollar reward.
The Swimmer
He spent every summer swimming on his neighborhood team, cheering at the meets, and sharing awful concession stand food with his friends. Even now, he gets a little nostalgic over slightly soggy nachos.
Joke of Probability
She met two Spanish boys while standing in line for an hour outside the palace at Versailles. She passed them crossing the street months later in Rome and said nothing because it felt not like fate, but like pure happenstance.
Last Breaths
After watching people in their last hours at the hospital, she concluded the lungs were the stupidest organs of all. She could never figure out why they insisted on struggling ahead long after the rest of the body seemed to have understood what was happening and given up.
No big deal
He broke up with her the day before finals. She scored 100 on every exam.
Innocence Avoided
Eight-year-old Amanda isn’t writing a letter to Santa Claus this year — she already has what she wants. She smears a message on the wall of her room, with unsteady hands covered in blood and mutters, “Daddy won’t ever touch me again.”
Duty
He made a lot of promises when drunk. What may have been even more stupid is that he felt compelled to honor them when sober.
Unwritten
The old woman had a very well-educated granddaughter whom she seldom wrote. It wasn’t for lack of love, but rather because she felt her own, uneducated writing would seem laughable.
Withdrawal
When her doctor informed her she must stop eating sugar, she followed his advice immediately. For months afterward, she would dream of an imaginary grocery store aisle with nothing but refrigerated cakes as far as they eye could see.
Time to Dream Again
Lifting up, up, up off of the crinkly papered bed, she floated aboard the majestic, wooden air ship, where she slow-danced with Prince Charming’s handsome son, wearing a flowing ball gown that sparkled like diamonds in the melting lip-gloss gold sunset that the circus animal crew – elephants and zebras wearing colorful hats and silly shirts – was working to sail into, paddling their oars rhythmically against tufts of cumulonimbus clouds as if silently marking the beat of her dance. This was her favorite place to go whenever Mommy and the doctor started talking about her cancer.
Message to a Jealous Wife
You still think I am coming to satisfy a hunger, but you are wrong: if I come into someone’s house and compliment their selection of art, it doesn’t mean I’ll stuff a statue under my overcoat on the way out. I am well-acquainted with your best possessions and I am uninterested in the inventory or in how you protect them.
Them
He lied, she lied, he cried, she died. Years later, in a dusty attic box, he found, a post it note she had written; he cried again.
Straight
Sometimes, she wished her girlfriends were men. She thought she could be happy dating them, but she had zero lesbian impulse.
The Junkie
He really did love her. It did not stop him from shooting up.
Piracy of the Mind
A Focus on the Family official recently warned parents not to let children dress as pirates, as the legendary figures conjure up nothing but “images of sweaty, half-naked men sleeping two sometimes three to a cot.” Then the official, Hugh Troy, closed his eyes and thought of the rigging, the peg legs, the drinking of grog, the “ol’ heigh-ho,” and soon he was hoisting his own main sail and drifting in his own Tropic of Capricorn where the decks always need swabbing and the booty is endless.
Stink
While they were on tour, the band mates had an unusual on-going competition to see who could go the longest without showering. Stage lights make people sweat a lot.
Surprise
Of the three friends, he was the most deeply disturbed and misogynistic. He was also the first to get married.
What I’d Be
I would be whatever and whoever you wanted me to be – anybody, anything.
And that’s why I can’t let myself love you.