I’m so excited to go home that I didn’t realize the trail of liquid behind me as I walk to my front door. The door opened and I can hear my mom shouting to my dad that I was stabbed multiple times and left to rot in a ditch since yesterday.
Understanding
“You don’t understand. You lie, you comfort, but you will never feel it.”
Don’t Judge a Book
They said what was a nice girl like me doing alone in a graveyard at night. That was the last thing anyone heard them say.
Parents of the Year
We tell our kids the phantom footsteps are the house settling, that the tapping on their window is a tree branch in the wind. Now if we could just come up with a logical explanation for the chainsaw noise from the basement last night, or where our pesky neighbor disappeared to.
All in Good Time
So many on this planet worry about alien attack, invasion and takeover. What we’ve never bothered to tell them is that we won’t waste resources that way; we won’t begin terraforming until their civilization has died off naturally, which will happen much sooner than most believe.
Best Friends Forever
I tell everyone he died in the ocean after our plane crashed, and that I survived for two months on the island by hunting ‘sea birds and other small game.’ He really died about a month after we both swam to shore, and I hit him over the head with that rock so I could live off his remains until they found me.
Mona Lisa
I’ve been told millions of times that my smile is beautiful, but a little forced. Your smile would be forced too if you’d been stuck in a painting for five hundred years listening to people critique you.
Chivalry
I wish my boyfriends wouldn’t put me up on a pedestal so often. Especially when he leaves me chained there alone while he works all day.
Next to Godliness
My toilet clogged up again this morning. I hope it’s not the arm I flushed down there last week.
Mother Love
My twins, Mary Lou and Priscilla, were adopted as newborns and over the past five years I’ve watched them learn to walk, talk, ride bikes and otherwise blossom into beautiful, thriving children. The only problem I have is that the irritating people they call Mom and Dad always tell everyone their ‘birth mother’ died in the hospital.
Morning News
…and it’s a balmy 73 degrees here in Kenosha, Wisconsin today, so don’t forget sunscreen! That concludes your early bird broadcast for Thursday, December 3rd, 2043.
Snug Guns
Stalling, he taught me what an emordnilap was; words that read backward and forward like pressing your nose against a mirror. In exchange I taught him what happens when someone pulls a trigger too close to your face.
Death awaits
The nurse walked into room and found her patient crying and hiding under the covers. When the nurse asked what was wrong the patient pointed to the other side of the bed and asked “can you please make the man in black leave, he’s making me nervous?”
Wake up
Last night I went to sleep. I’m conscious but I can’t wake up.
The Phone Call
The phone rang again tonight at three in the morning, as it did every month on the 13th. Wouldn’t be too unsettling except my phone service has been disconnected for a month.
The Phone Call
The phone rang again tonight at three in the morning, as it did every month on the 13th. Wouldn’t be too unsettling except my phone service has been disconnected for a month.
The Polaroid
When I found a Polaroid picture of a young girl with her eyes closed and expressionless lips, I assumed someone had thrown it out because it was a mistake. The day my mother died, I stumbled across the photo again but now, there was a strange smile on her face.
Pink
She adore pink to the point the entire house was so. Even the bodies.
Why Clowns are Funny.
As the bedroom door opened, I pictured my girlfriend in red lingerie and black high heels. Instead, a clown with frazzled green hair and a bloody hammer poked his head through the opening screaming, “Ready to play?”
Intruder?
You’re home alone and before you go to sleep you lock all the windows and doors as standard procedure. In the middle of the night you decide to go downstairs for a drink when you see that the front door is wide open. What do you do next?