Everyone laughed at the creepy goth girl for keeping her eyes hidden beneath the hood of her black sweatshirt: until she lifted it and looked them strait in the eyes. Now she laughs at their frozen, terrified stone faces.
Skyrim
Today I woke up and felt like I had no purpose, then I had to fight a dragon. In the middle of it, a bear came up from behind me and killed me: I fail at life even in the virtual world.
Olli Warelius
I heard a couple of guys talking about this in the New York subway so I looked it up online and found your page. Thanks. I thought I was right and you confirmed my thoughts. Thanks for the work you’ve put into this. I’d love to save this and share with my friends.
Never Shave Again
He’d finally had enough of shaving and he was convinced if he got a close enough shave he wouldn’t have to worry about it for a whole week. Over and over again the five bladed razor scraped along his skin; the deranged man never noticed he had reached bone as his whole torso was covered in blood and shredded pieces of his face.
I got your starbucks right here
The girl wearing scandalous exercise clothes gave me no choice, really: I had tapped her shoulder as a friendly reminder that the Starbucks barista was ready to take her order. Exercise Freak bristled, turned toward me, called me all manner of socially unacceptable nicknames, and soon found herself on the floor, having her pretty little face melted off by scalding coffee — Pike’s Peak, to be exact.
First Date
The cave beast slithered out of his lair for a quick drink at Starbucks with the unsuspecting girl. “I should have stayed home and gotten drunk by myself watching Lifetime movies,” she thought as he deftly drained the life out of her with his overdeveloped sense of joylessness, honed over a score of years in his mother’s basement.
The Rumba
If she’d seen him on the street she might not have looked at him twice, but when he danced he was the kind of beautiful that made her start thinking in verse, long strings of adjectives and hyperbole leaping out of her fingertips. After a few songs worth of violent inner turmoil, she worked up the courage to ask him to dance a rumba with her, and it was then that she realized the most perfect kind of joy could only be expressed in 4/4 time at 26 measures per minute.
The troll of Twosentenceland
A disfigured fiend, a horrid malformed monster creeping across the Internet seeking only to inflict misery, happened upon Twosentenceland, and, enjoying it, stayed put. There, the unhappy, nightmarishly bored monster scratched and clawed at the ratings of Twosentencelanders who only looked for enteraintment and fun and creativity, and wanted desperately for the troll to have its fucking head run over by an eighteen wheeler.
Banana Catastrophe
Starving on the drive home as usual, Jennifer briefly wondered why she had waited until the merge to peel and eat her banana. She stopped wondering about this as soon as she was decapitated in the fiery crash that ensued.
You Really Should Be More Careful About Your Teeth….
“Grinding your teeth is really going to destroy your teeth,” the dentist said lecturing her patient. The stress caused by this revelation caused the patient to clamp his teeth shut, cracking two of them down to his gums.
zombie hangover part 6
I thought maybe I’d want to eat people, as they do in the movies. Everyone was dead though, and when I bit into my wife, she hardly flinched, and I was not satiated because the dead had nothing for the dead.
Chelsea, Tabitha, and Mrs. Renfrew
“I’ll never be married,” mused the middle-aged woman as she sipped on free champagne and watched with shameful bitterness as a toddler in a tuxedo chased a group of newborn ducks. “I’m going to become one of those angry spinsters who’s mean to children and gives her cats people names.”
The thing in the window
Mary had never been scared to walk alone at night through the halls of the hundred-year-old psychiatric hospital, knowing that it had always been “a good place,” where patients were treated with kindness and respect even in its earliest days. But that all changed the night Yvette showed her the third-story window, where no staff or patients were currently housed, and through which a ghostly light could be seen on some nights silhouetting a human-like form.
The thing in the hall
Alison shut her eyes hard and covered her face with her hands, forcing the image of the thing at the end of the hall out of her brain and silently repeating over and over again that such a thing could not exist. She was certain the apparition would be gone the moment she opened her eyes, but instead she saw with horror that it was now inches from her face.
“There’s a SNAKE in the bed!!!!!!”
Pat was positive his wife was insane when she jumped out of bed at 2 am screaming about a snake. Telling her to shut up, he climbed into bed just as the snake sunk its venomous teeth into his neck.
zombie hangover part 5
The five-day Monopoly marathon was over, there was still nothing to do, undead or otherwise, so I tried to get drunk; obliterated, actually. But when your blood no longer pumps and your stomach and liver and brain can no longer be flooded with vodka, you are doomed to an eternity of crushing sobriety, and that, in the end, is the worst part of being a living dead.
Did You Take Your Shoes Off???
His extreme, almost psychotic, OCD had finally broken her. Without saying one word, without so much as grabbing her wallet, she walked out of the house and left her husband forever.
Zombie hangover part 4
Unsure of what to do after the fever passed and we no longer hungered for human flesh and brains and blood, we broke out the Monopoly board. With no use for sleep, with no need to piss or shit, and with no desire for food of any kind, we played and played and played; three days later, I had hotels on the orange properties.
Domesticity
Her trembling hand swiftly grabbed the closest weapon as her red-clouded mind processed that he, again, had left the trash out. Her fingers, bloodied from their maniacal grip on the obsessively sharpened shears, opened to pick up the spatula instead-she still needed her iTunes fixed.
zombie hangover part 3
I lumbered back to my home and wondered as I walked, is this the way I move now? When I walked through the open door, there stood my family, equally perplexed by their new lifeless bodies, with the word “undead” hanging on their lips.