There is no such thing as a free ride.
Unless you happen to come upon a stolen dodgem car.
Get it all
I actually did “get it all”.
You wouldn’t believe how big my storage room is.
Platitudes
When I asked for your opinion I didn’t actually want it.
I wanted hollow platitudes – how fucking blind are you?
Birthday
I’m getting Jesus a Tonka truck for his birthday this year.
I’ll keep it until he turns up.
Commodities
Remember back in the old days when stars were burning balls of fusion, light years away?
Now they’re just commodities and I feel we’re the poorer for that.
Key West Vermin
“I promise I’ll call you as soon as I arrive in Key West” he said, as he gave her a deep kiss goodbye, and held her tightly, vowing how much he would miss her while he was gone these next two days.
Too bad the rat didn’t realize that Sloppy Joe’s has a webcam she thought, as she caught sight of him in a wicked embrace with the tawdry blonde next to him at the bar.
Future
The future flops out in front of me like a wrinkled carpet.
Hey look – lions.
Money
If only we could teach teenage boys that the amount of hot pussy they can get is directly proportional to the amount of money they have.
Within a generation we’d have some of the hardest working motherfuckers in the world.
Bone
They said he was a “bone-chilling” villain.
I checked his fridge but I didn’t find no bone.
The Beginning
Of all those in the Pythagorean campo that season, Mistra, a youngish woman, was the most brilliant and coldly determined in argument.
Yet her hands and body shook violently that morning as she whispered urgently to the stunned Master of her dream that the long side of the triangle, when squared, equaled the summed, squares of the other two.
Rock and Roll Life: The Birth
After opening for the headlining Pynchonettes, the members of Shredded Pecker returned to their van parked in the alley behind the club to find what they initially thought were their first groupies. Though on closer inspection it was determined that they were only a pair of bag ladies looking for a place to get out of the cold, this did not prevent bass player Flemmy Squatencough from partaking anyway.
Life
The best thing about my life is that it is like living in a movie.
It’s a western-romantic-time-travel-teen-roadtrip-comedy.
Only now
More than six billion people and there is only now.
Fuck, why do I keep forgetting this?
Meant to
I’m meant to care about money.
I … just … don’t.
Advice
One word that will get you through any relationship problem, like, forever.
Lie.
Tenure of a Sort
As unofficial house-poet of a borderline accredited girl’s junior college, Schwaa U’u had committed many acts that would almost certainly have been considered socially unacceptable outside the confines of the ivory tower. Such was the charismatic seediness of his reputation, that when, following his death by mystery, it was found his entire body of work consisted of little more than a handful of largely inscrutable bits of esoterica, the legend of his eccentric genius was assured.
Social Status Rules
The jump rope lay bloodied where young Lucy had played before Lady Murphy run amok down the street with her scythe. Damned aristocracy.
Noir Paranoia
Pursued down dark sidewalks, across streets black with rain water, and finally into the oblivion of a blind alley, Blanche Erasmo turned with panic and exhaustion to face her fate. No one was there.
Loveable Creatures
As lonely, unloved, frumpy Liz was about to jump from the Golden Gate Bridge, ten passing dolphins called to her saying, “Hey beautiful, we’re heading for Hawaii and Tahiti, so why don’t you join us?”
Delighted that such playful, adorable, loving creatures wanted her, she jumped right into the arms of ten sharks wearing dolphin costumes
Dance
The dance is over … it is over.
Do you know you were wrong?