One afternoon, she went to the store and unexpectedly bought almost 12 months of memories. They weren’t on sale and definitely can’t be returned.
Humanity
I keep myself positive and centered by seeking the inherent goodness of mankind.
I keep myself in touch with reality by believing in the inherent evil of mankind.
Eternity
I want to be forever young, or at least young until I die. Then I’ll black my eyes blue & take refuge behind the lids of eyes.
Racial Integration
Racial Integration is a bit like mixing shit with ice-cream.
It doesn’t do much to the shit, but it really stuffs up the ice-cream.
Wanted: An Honest Man
I suppose what shocked me was the matter-of-fact way she said, “Why can’t men be who they really are when courting a woman, instead of surprising her with their true selves once married?
I mean really, darling,” she added, setting the teacup down and turning to stare out the window, “It’s getting awfully tiring disposing of the bodies, and I’m simply running out of garden.”
Ex
At the time, it seemed as though they were really having fun together. But in retrospect, she realized she’d only gone out with him for the excuse to wear pretty dresses.
Spilled Champagne
“What I need you to understand is that all my life I’ve been toasting with an empty glass,” Alexa frantically explained to the only man who had ever showed her love, who, frustrated with Alexa’s unrelenting self-doubt, was now the man about to walk out on her. “Now that you’ve filled my glass to the top I’ve got to learn how to hold it,” she said, but it was too late; once the champagne spills, there’s no way to get it back in.
Hypocrite.
You told me my flip-flops were unattractive and unsanitary and you would leave me if I kept wearing them. But I’m only alone because that scorpion hid in your shoe.
Long Distance Love
Even though he had to accept the company transfer overseas, they were sure their love would grow in spite of the distance.
He wrote twice, she wrote twice, and that was all either could manage to give.
Chaos at the Ballpark
The pitcher threw, the batter swung clumsily, and the bat flew from the player’s inept hands and soared across the crowded stadium at frightening speed.
The spinning rod flew into the stands and the panicked spectators rushed for safety, except for Jim, who looked up from his new video game three seconds too late to see the flying bat moving towards him and at that moment Jim painfully discovered that the new IPad 2 does not make a good shield against fast-moving projectiles.
New
She had always found the botanical gardens incredibly boring. But on her first date with the botanist, he ran around throwing his nose into the best-smelling flowers and guiding her hands over strange-feeling bark; and it was a whole other world.
Grandma Nails It Again
He had overheard his grandmother telling an aunt, “If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.” A moment of staring at his new fiancee led him to the realization: “Oh snap – I’m in love with a whore!”
Abysmal
I asked you what was wrong. You said, “I can’t get drunk enough.”
The Exchange Student
Her friend had traveled a long way to visit but the school refused to allow her to bring any guests to class.
He tagged along anyway, and she introduced him as a foreign exchange student to all of her teachers, while he nodded awkwardly and pieced together broken English which was, in fact, his native tongue.
OC
He often sorted his things into separate containers according to color, size, or use, sometimes even according to the similarities of the memories brought to mind by the items. But when she came, he found her so unique that he could not classify her into an existing group, and, caring for her so much that he had to put her in a safe place, he kept her in his heart.
Always, ALWAYS Naked
He was my best friend in high school, and I admired his complete lack of inhibition.
Now he is my college roommate, and I just wish he would put some damn pants on.
Who Needs Locks
Always slam the doors when you enter a room.
That’s how you hit the burglars in the face.
D-Jay
His parents sent him to a Christian boarding school against his will. When the boys next door held their weekly bible study, he would play Ani DiFranco at top volume, usually putting a song with gratuitous cursing like “Untouchable Face” on repeat.
Naval Situation
Before you I was drowning, but you threw me a rope. I only saw when I caught it that it was made of lead.
A Reconsideration
She loved him.
Perhaps she should have found out if the feeling was mutual before organizing the surprise wedding.