The Side Effects of Having Kids
After a night of drinking with friends, Brad—the only father at the table—scratched his balls and announced he had to go “potty”. The hooker never took his phone number.
With sarcasm dripping from every word, he said, “It’s good that you don’t drink at happy hour, when I’m the only one sipping on something stronger than Diet Coke with a lime wedge.”
“Getting good and hammered at happy hour is too expensive,” she replied, and chugged the rest of her wine.
Jimmy said to the bartender, “I’m not one of them guys that gives a crap whether the glass is half empty or half full. Just fill it with somethin’ good.”
He had slipped into her mind as easily and unnoticeably as something gets slipped into a drink. And just as dangerously too, because now that he was there, she couldn’t be held liable for irrational behavior.
There are answers at the bottom of a shot glass actually.
And the more answers you get to, the funnier they are.
I’m going to lie to my kids and tell them there are many worthwhile things in life apart from drinking.
And then I’m going to have another drink, hooray!
Only two out of a thousand say yes, aye, but none are worth the time. That’s why you drink — you drink so that most of your tears (and piss) evaporates, so that you won’t freeze when given the cold shoulder.
Hey, want to know another secret?
It’s really hard to make new friends without drinking.
Every Friday night for the last 20 years, the party girl made the rounds at the local bars, getting smashed, singing karaoke, and finally, at closing time, selecting the lucky guy to take her home where they had wild, random, stranger sex.
Now pushing 40, as she sits alone at the bar, used up and no longer attractive or desired, she asks the bartender, “Where did everyone go?”
For twelve long agonizing months he had battled the rapacious disease and kept it at bay. Tonight though, bronze token in hand, he planned to drink his way back into the familiar comfort of oblivion.