He always wondered why a writer like himself constantly felt the need to lengthen a perfectly adequate sentence with an em dash, especially since an em dash coming after something like an “h” or a “b” gives the letter the distinct appearance of sporting a massive erection. Oh—
Far-sighted
People were always telling him to read between the lines. All he saw between the lines was white space.
Lost
He began to attack the ideas he scorned by parody. After many years, he could not quite remember where he started or clearly discern which words he really meant as opposed to the ones spoken sarcastically.
Why
Near the end of his life, he searched through the motives behind all of the stupid things he had done. When it was not carelessness, it was loneliness.
Wasted
Every time they were together, he was drunk, or high, or deliberately flirting with other girls in front of her just to make sure she knew how little she mattered to him. The whole thing made her feel like such a waste of really fine wine of some beer-guzzler’s ass.
Cold-hearted bitch
She used him until she didn’t need him anymore. Then, for decency’s sake, she allowed herself the occasional twinge of guilt and regret usually associated with these situations.
Lapse
He only lost control once. But that was enough to destroy everything.
Ill-fated Romance
He called to ask her out on Valentine’s and, after some hesitancy said: “Do you believe in poetry?”
She said, “I don’t believe in much of anything,” but she ended up going to the reading downtown with him anyway.
3-Ring Aftermath
Her parents finally stopped taking Susan to the circus. She had so much fun during the few hours they were there that she cried for days afterward because the rest of life was nothing like it.
Justifying Walls
I’m sometimes criticized for being cold but I opened up my heart once. All I have to show for it is an STD.
Cheap Thrill
They were teenagers when she traveled across the country for a visit, and there were no cultural activities to entertain her. So they ran through the dollar store and came out covered in tacky jewelry and fake tattoos.
For Whom the Bell Tolls
The day he received his rejection letter from Harvard, he buried his face in a towel and wept. He wasn’t sad for himself, but for his parents.
Seeking Proof
On Halloween, Benny hunted ghouls in the Shiners’ cemetery, even though he doubted they existed. Then after a Fez tassel slapped his face and a corpse bit into his skull, he believed, briefly.
A, B, or C?
When she thought about him, The Great Thing That Never Was, she could observe herself dissolving into a completely unpredictable mass of emotions and raw nerves. If she saw him again, would she say, “Fuck you,” or ignore him completely, or throw her arms around his neck?
Bad Break Up
Looking back, it wasn’t that bad.Sure he had lost an arm,some teeth and two toes,but at least he was alive.
Educated Poverty
He poured everything he had into his education. By the time he received his Master’s degree, he couldn’t afford to frame the diploma.
Pick-ups
They were stupidly passing time, re-telling the worst pick-up lines they’d ever heard. Out of the crowd, one stood out as the clear winner: “Baby, you’re so fine, I’d like to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!”
Silly Question
They walked into an expensive menswear shop, and the salesman asked rather ridiculously, “What brings you in today?” He raised his eyebrows and smiled, “Fate?”
Do take some.
At various stages of his life, he had dealt with grief in different ways. As a child he would cry; as a boy he would forget it by playing pointless games; as a teen he would drown it out with music and the everyday life, but nowadays he just wrote stories for strangers to read, hoping selfishly that they would perhaps take some of it away.
Justice
After a lengthy career of art theft, he was captured, tried, and sentenced to several years in jail. He got out, wrote a book about it, and made more off the royalties than he ever had off stolen art.