As a psychic, people always think that the most disturbing vision I’ve experienced was that of my own death. Let me tell you–the vision of my birth was far more traumatizing.
Stolen
Our eyes catch. My heart fights to get away.
Back
We hid it in the basement when I started having nightmares. Standing outside my room, a doll never looked so lifelike.
Stab me now
I don’t feel the same way is what she told me. I would rather you stab me is what I thought.
Freaks of knifes
During an unforgettable one-night-stand the girl revealed she fantasized about a knife being part of the foreplay. When I asked her who should hold the knife, she answered: “I already am.”.
Classified
I will exchange my 50-year-old wife for two 25-year-old.
Scared
I wasn’t afraid of the noises until I noticed. At night, the nurses came in pairs.
The Gang
I was worry-free until I left The Gang. My new gang nickname is Snitch.
The Man
My last thought before the man in the backseat slit my throat was that the man in the other truck was trying to warn me
Home again
“Honey, are you back yet?” I ask, as the living room door opens behind me. Someone appreciatively whispers “No…” into my ear.
Don’t
I was told not to leave my room after dark. As I heard it crawl towards me and the door refused to open, I understood.
I don’t want lemons, I want life.
When life gives other people lemons they make lemonade. When life gives me lemons I add a little butta a little gawlic, a small douse of wine and then I soak the body in it.
Don’t point a finger at me
I don’t understand why they were so upset when I brought lady fingers to desert. Was it because I only brought white ones?
All Natural
“It’s so hard nowadays to find people without chemical additives. It’s even harder to find a restaurant that serves them.
Bears
Bears need hugs too. And even though my back is broken and there’s a mouth around my head, I regret nothing.
Zombie who?
He looked outside. They were everywhere. His house was surrounded on either side by Zombies. Blood thirsty, hungry for living human beings, they kept approaching at a constant pace. Not knowing what to do, he paced frantically around the house, searching for an escape, forcing his mind to think straight.
“We’ve surrounded the Zombie in a house, Sir. Would you like us to capture or kill him?”. “Take him alive” came the order. We need to study him to find a cure for this outbreak…
Relief
He sat in deep concentration, his eyes trying to find some point in the room to focus on. The noises outside distracted him but he tried to stay on track and put all his energy and effort in the one thing on his mind.
‘Plop’ came the sound.. and a wave of relief came over him as he reached for the flush handle.
Next
Up in the attic, I was puzzled to see pictures of me climbing the stairs and sitting where I sat. It was too late when I saw what was next.
Dorito
As his hands gripped tightly around my neck and I drew my last breath, I began to think. Was it worth the last dorito?
Poop
I told my five year old that he will one day have to wipe my butt when I get old. He plans to be the first inventor to stop humans from pooping.