Okay so you’re married and I’m engaged, great. Now that we’ve got that straight – would you care to accompany me to my hotel room?
Category: Competition
Competition
A little victory
“My mother wants to go see Tom Jones and throw her panties at him.”
“Why, so he can go sailing?”
The Truth
There’s nothing I want more than to tell you the truth.
There’s nothing I want less than for you to know the truth.
Hypothesis Denied
“You know, I was bothered by you at first, but then I thought to myself gee, if someone claims to hate me that much, well, then it must just be they’re intimidated by me, so is that it – are you intimidated by me?”
“No, trust me – honest to God, I just genuinely hate you.”
Math Problems, Life Problems
I loved math back when each problem had only one solution. After that it started to remind me of my life.
A Quiet World
For the very first time I was able to hear the subtle sound of the butterfly’s tiny feet thud softly against the paper-thin petal as it landed weightlessly on the petunia. The world was so quiet now that everyone was dead.
Internet Connection
“Do you ever wonder if Mr. Right is out there somewhere in the world, looking up at the same star that you’re looking at and at the very same time?” Rachel sighed as she gazed longingly out the window.
“Nah,” Jackie shrugged and double-clicked on a link, “but I guess maybe my Mr. Right is looking at the very same webpage as I am right now.”
Shake ‘n’ Wake
The whole bed beneath me jerked violently back and forth, five feet maybe ten each time, the mattress bouncing and shaking more and more with each thrust, the dimly-lit walls wiggling as if they were made of rubber, and after I had flung myself onto my feet and into a pair of pants and ran desperately to the front door, I was surprised to find when I stepped into the brightness of a freshly-ignited dawn that life seemed to be continuing on as usual, the most dedicated (and presumably high-paid) of the infamous Japanese businessmen already whizzing by in their cars at what must have been four thirty or five in the morning.
Despite the evident lack of damage, and although the five floors of apartments above hadn’t fallen in on me and my own ground-floor living quarters like I had so genuinely expected, I decided right then and there that I did not like earthquakes, and that maybe it was time to get the hell out of Japan.
Gone
There’s little sense in trying to ration with a barking Yorkie. No way to explain to her that this time, the man she’s grown accustomed to looking out for every evening at a quarter past six isn’t coming back.
For Grampa, for Bubbles
“Sweetie, what on EARTH are you doing?” Claire asked, beyond surprised to see Chelsea, her pig-tailed, freckle-cheeked, pink-shorts-wearing four year-old daughter, hopping repeatedly on one foot for balance while jamming the other down the toilet, two dandelions grasped in one hand while the other worked the flushing lever.
“Well we bringed flowers to Grampa in the hospital yesterday, so now I’m gonna bring flowers to Bubbles,” Chelsea answered matter-of-factly, of course referring to her comrade who had, several weeks ago after a violent incident involving one of his (larger and more aggressive) bowl-mates, been sent via toilet flush to the fishy hospital.
Human Flesh
“How did you know you could marry him?”
“During breakfast I told him I didn’t like to eat bacon because the striped fatty bits reminded me too much of human flesh, and he laughed.”
A Bath for Bill
In retrospect, I’d say that travelling was quite similar to using a new bath salt: exciting at first because it’s new and different but then you’ve been in too long and your fingers start to prune and get all nasty just like they do for any other bath you’ve ever taken – but I have to admit, Bill’s excitement to see Barcelona and Santorini, Cairo and Istanbul, Tokyo and Singapore, Auckland and Ushuaia and all those other places I’ve already been to not once but thrice, seems to have reignited an excitement in me that I rendered long gone. Although I desperately long to settle down and stay right where I am for once in my life, Bill gave me the gift of feeling young again – that wondrous excitement of youth – so I suppose the least I can do for my husband is pour in the salt and take a bath with him.
Will of a God
After you quit smoking, lost forty pounds through rigorous dieting and exercise, eradicated your debt, and even taught yourself to play the piano, it became very clear that you possess the will of a God.
But I’m sorry – you can’t will me to love you.
Night be my Eyes
She said unto the star-barren new-moon sky: “Night – be my eyes, so that I may see beyond the limits of that which sunlight reveals.” She screamed and hissed and writhed in the searing pain of the acid she splashed into her own eyes, but she welcomed the eternal honesty of an infinite darkness.
Arrogance
“Well you really made a first-class fool of yourself in there, Scott – you feel good about that?”
“You know what they say, babe – arrogance is bliss!”
Differences Aside
He liked to play Monopoly and she grew up playing Scrabble.
They knew they had different priorities, different dreams, and probably different futures, but for now they weren’t playing the game of Life – they were just having a little fun, savoring the taste of each other’s lips and the warmth of one another’s bodies here and now in the lust of the moment.
Flags and Sails
Flashing clouds boiled over the sky, blocking the last of dusk’s sunlight from the sea. This was going to be a voyage to remember.
Guilty Eyes
As he squeezed her hand and looked deep into her eyes, she wondered if it was only her eyes he could see, or if he was able to look through them and into the dark lair where she kept her secrets hidden.
She blinked a couple times and looked away, an innocent smile on her face, deceptively stealing interest in the beauty of their surroundings, not yet ready for her eyes to plead guilty.
The Ignored Dessert
“I’m not eating this jiggly junk,” Jen said pushing the large chilly bowl of quivering blue gelatin away from her.
“Good, cause I’m late for a hot date,” the blue gelatin said before hopping from the bowl.
As Life he Left
He slung a scarcely-packed sac over his left shoulder and began the trek that would lead him past even the very last buildings that lingered beyond the city limits – away from civilization, away from society, away from people and their happy little fabricated realities.
But a hint of doubt plagued the confidence in his steps: was it really them he was running away from?