“Oh, I’m afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive…”

Luke Skywalker heard Emperor Palpatine promise to murder his friends and felt the dark side boiling inside of him. Giving in to the darkness he activated his lightsaber, chopped the Emperor’ s and Darth Vader’s heads off and hit the Death Star’ self destruct button; sending them all to hell.

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Rating: 5.2/10 (19 votes cast)

I got your starbucks right here

The girl wearing scandalous exercise clothes gave me no choice, really: I had tapped her shoulder as a friendly reminder that the Starbucks barista was ready to take her order. Exercise Freak bristled, turned toward me, called me all manner of socially unacceptable nicknames, and soon found herself on the floor, having her pretty little face melted off by scalding coffee — Pike’s Peak, to be exact.

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Rating: 5.5/10 (37 votes cast)

First Date

The cave beast slithered out of his lair for a quick drink at Starbucks with the unsuspecting girl. “I should have stayed home and gotten drunk by myself watching Lifetime movies,” she thought as he deftly drained the life out of her with his overdeveloped sense of joylessness, honed over a score of years in his mother’s basement.

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Rating: 5.4/10 (23 votes cast)

The troll of Twosentenceland

A disfigured fiend, a horrid malformed monster creeping across the Internet seeking only to inflict misery, happened upon Twosentenceland, and, enjoying it, stayed put. There, the unhappy, nightmarishly bored monster scratched and clawed at the ratings of Twosentencelanders who only looked for enteraintment and fun and creativity, and wanted desperately for the troll to have its fucking head run over by an eighteen wheeler.

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Rating: 8.3/10 (12 votes cast)

The Grisly Terror

The coroner felt suddenly uneasy as she opened the door to leave the room full of freshly dead corpses awaiting autopsy. Turning around slowly, her heart stood still at the sight of all ten cadavers sitting upright on their tables, black body bags still zipped over their mangled, reanimated remains.

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Rating: 7.3/10 (21 votes cast)

The Wake

Eight of them perched like grotesque leaves on the gnarled tree by the side of the road, and as Amy approached she began to regret the curiosity that had drawn her into the woods. Cradled in the skeletal roots of the tree lay the thing responsible for the congregation of flesh-eating birds: a bloated and rotting human corpse that was missing its face.

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Rating: 7.0/10 (16 votes cast)

Click Click, Bang Bang

The overweight, generously paid, and undertrained TSA Agent pulled the trigger on his brand new Glock 27 at the fleeing terrorist, hearing a deafening click. The terrorist, dressed in all black pseudo military garb, cooly turned and fired four rounds into Agent Paulson’s chest.

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Rating: 4.3/10 (9 votes cast)

Death By Spring Cleaning

It was that time of year again, spring, and this year Pat was determined to cut down the apple tree that seemed to attract bees every year that gave him bad dreams. A few minutes with a reciprocating saw, a loud crack and a quick rustle as the branches fell to the ground was followed by the sound from Pats nightmares: thousands of bees bursting from their now grounded nest, attacking Pat in their rage and killing him within minutes.

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Rating: 5.6/10 (5 votes cast)